inevitable memories

SEEMS DEAD

2009-11-22T01:18:00.001+08:00

HADNOT BEEN BLOGGING VERY OFTEN.

WORK IS BUSY.

JUST TO TYPE A FEW WORDS TO MAKE IT MORE LIVELY.

A SPECIAL DAY TO US

2009-10-30T11:17:00.002+08:00

its a very memorable day for the both of us.

when both strangers turn into friends and into a couple.

time just pass by so quickly.

with happy sad quarrelsome days.

the very first year that we gone through.

and theres more years counting on.

3010

BORED

2009-10-26T20:44:00.002+08:00

work was so bored today.

sitting there almost the whole day.

getting myself to the job scope.

but are all easy task.

everyone is so busy with their stuffs as its the month end.

tomorrow promise is

to let me do more things.

is so bored and time pass so slowly when there is nothing to do.

2009-10-25T13:38:00.000+08:00

HAPPY SHOPPING.

2009-10-25T13:14:00.003+08:00

HAD A GREAT TIME SHOPPING.

had our lunch at ION sho teppan.

individual hotpot.

sweet base soup with fresh beef and pork slices.

B bought two polo tees in G2000.

Colour and fit suit him to a T.

bought a bottom skirt in bugis street.

B bought me a bag as a gift for my new job :)

dine in ajisen.

B bought something special to fix. ♥

TOUCHING

2009-10-18T12:06:00.002+08:00

B introduced this movie to watch and made online reservation.

collected our tickets and had snacks before the show starts.

i strongly recommend this moive.

its a warm and touching show.

it was hilarious at the start and touching at the back.

i tried holding back my tears but its so difficult.

B was shocked when i asked him to pass me tissues.

i was weeping away from the scenes.

1 YEAR

2009-10-15T13:37:00.004+08:00

its been one year.

15 OCT 08

Mcron Low

you will always be remembered.

In Loving Memory

THANKS

2009-10-08T21:06:00.003+08:00

thanks, friends for standing by me.

i need to have my patience double up.

sometimes i feels its really good to have friends around,

rather than keeping all the troubles by myself.

feels much better after throwing all the torment out.

and i dont need lecture from someone who is the same as me.

so please take care of yourself and dont go around boasting around your things.

THIS IS THE WORST TIME OF MY LIFE

ENDLESS PROBLEMS

2009-10-03T10:51:00.004+08:00

IM AT A LOST END NOW.

SIMPLY IN A DAZE.

INTERVIEWS, INTERVIEWS AND ENDLESS INTERVIEWS.

I DID MY BEST.

SHOW MY CONFIDENCE AND MY COMMUNICATIONS SKILLS.

BUT WHEN I HAVE TO ELABORATE WHY DID I LEFT MY PREVIOUS COMPANY.

EVERYONE SEEMS TO STUN ME OFF.

GASTRO PROBLEMS.

BUT IM FINE AND FIT TO WORK NOW.

EVERYONE NEEDS SOMEONE HEALTHY TO WORK.

BUT SOMEONE WHO GOES THROUGHT THE TOMENT AND RECOVER

COULDNT BE GIVEN A CHANCE TO SHOW THEIR ABILITIES.

I HAVE NO CONFIDENCE AT ALL NOW.

RESTRICTING MYSELF TO LOTS OF FOOD TO BE BETTER

AND THIS IS THE OUTCOME.

VEXED

PROBLEMS DOESNT SEEMS TO SOLVE BETWEEN US.

I DONT KNOW WHAT I REALLY SHOULD DO NOW.

FEEL TANGLED IN A KNOT.

IF I WERE TO CHOOSE, I DOESNT WANT TO BE IN THIS SITUATION.

WE BOTH DOESNT UNDERSTAND WHAT EACH WANTS AND NEEDS.

I JUST NEED SOMETHING REALLY SIMPLE.

MAKING ME SMILE THROUGHOUT THE DAY OUT WITH ANY SPENDING.

JUST AS SIMPLE.

AND I ONLY GOT MISERY.

BY THINKING WHAT TO DO FOR YOU INSTEAD.

I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING I CAN.

THATS THE LIMIT I CAN DO.

WHEN I NEED A RANTING EARS, YOU ARE ALWAYS NOT THERE.

WHEN IM RANTING MY PROBLEMS YOU WILL ONLY HEAR 1/3 OF IT.

THINGS YOU DID FOR ME, YOU HATE IT SO MUCH.

ACCEDING TO MY REQUEST EVERYTIME WHICH YOU DONT LIKE AT ALL.

CARVED MY SHORTCOMING IN YOUR HEART.

WHATEVER OR WHENEVER WHAT HAPPEN YOU WILL THINK OF THAT.

I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY THEN.

HEART BROKEN INTO TINY PIECES

2009-09-27T10:49:00.005+08:00

swollen eyes which results to too much crying.

i tried my best to stop my tears from flowing down.

it seems so difficult.

is something so simple.

yet you chose to do something which i dont like.

you may have your character.

but i do have my pride too.

my heart is really broken into tiny pieces.

i dont know what else to do.

im stuck.

with no directions.

its part and parcels in my life.

i had to go through it even through how many times it hits.

UTTERLY DISAPPOINTMENT!

2009-09-27T01:40:00.002+08:00

I HAD ENOUGH OF ALL THE NONSENSE.

IM FUCKING IN A BAD MOOD THESE FEW DAYS.

AND I JUST WANT TO HAVE A NICE WEEKEND.

THINGS OFTEN GOES THE OTHER WAY ROUND.

I HAD BEEN TOLERATING WITH ALL THE MIGHT I CAN.

BUT NOW IT SEEMS LIKE I HAVE LET IT ALL OUT.

I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

EYES BEEN SWOLLEN OF ALL THE CRYING.

MIND JUST FUCKING CANT CALM DOWN.

WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DERSERVE ALL THESE SHIT?

I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND.

AM I THE ONLY WITH THE PROBLEM?

I WANT MY LIFE BACK AS BEFORE.

FLU DAYS ARE BACK

2009-09-23T16:06:00.004+08:00

IM SICK.

down with flu and sore throat, headache too.

had been busy these few days.

meet up with Baby on the long weekend.

went to two interviews yesterday.

one called back for 2nd interview tomorrow.

hope i wont screw up.

if im selected for the job,

im afraid i have lesser time for

MY FAMILY, BABY AND FRIENDS.

but i have no other choices.

working now supporting myself is the main issue.

wish me good luck. :)

INDULGE

2009-09-15T20:50:00.008+08:00

movie : I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER.

Soup Restaurant for dinner. :0

Chit-chatting and Ranting Session

Baby bought me nail polishes. :)

Baby came over to lunch with me.

Loves.

I TOTALLY INDULGE MYSELF INTO EATING.

I ENJOY MYSELF THESE FEW DAYS.

NOW BABY IS BACK TO CAMP.

BUT THERE WILL BE MORE WHEN YOU ARE OUT.

and NOT FORGETTING THE SUBWAY COOKIES FROM YOU.

ENJOYS!

2009-09-13T22:42:00.006+08:00

yesterday we trained down to town.

intially B wanted to have Sakura.

but i insisted not having that.

so we had an agreement.

we went to check on the movie listings.

if there is available slots, we will go ahead with it and have others for dinner.

B bought donuts, tiramisu and mango.

mango is nice. :)

in the end we couldnt get any.

we went back to queue for Sakura.

we didnt get to have that as the earliest we can get is 8pm.

we decided to give it a miss and make reservation beforehand. :)

we settled our dinner at Heeren Waruku.

shopped around.

and we went to burberry.

the bag is nice.

we made our way to shaw house.

make a trip there to the optical shop but is closed.

B had subway for supper.

subway club meal. :)

its a food feast with B. <3

enjoyable day. :)

090909 & 100909

2009-09-11T19:18:00.007+08:00

090909

MR LIN ZI HAN POP DAY.

100909

Outing with B.

happened to realise we were wearing the same colour tone.
black top, grey bottom, white shoes.

had dinner in sukiya.

strolled down to boat quay.

clarke quay.

i enjoyed my day.

♥

TOTALLY DRAINED

2009-09-07T10:48:00.002+08:00

had not been sleeping well these days.

stress has overcome me once again.

i just need simple understanding.

and it seems so difficult.

i tried but to no avail.

i had no other choices but to leave things this way.

im not avoiding.

im just waiting for the chance.

ENJOYED

2009-09-06T12:57:00.003+08:00

wanted B to rest and sleep after hours of road march in the night.

but insisted that we should meet every week.

compromise on both sides.

we met.

steamboating with both his sisters.

window shopping.

ranting time for both.

bid goodbye with a seal of kiss.

ends the day on the phone saying good night.

I ENJOYED MYSELF.

ILY.

BACK ENDS

2009-09-03T16:37:00.005+08:00

TUES: made pasta. for dinner.

ingredients. (some are not taken.) :)

serving. although is not appealing but its tastes good. :)

feels like having subway now. :)

RANDOM :)

2009-08-31T20:51:00.002+08:00

had been so lazy to update.

to type in details.

sat: pasir ris, tampines, changi, pasir ris, ang mo kio.

sun: defu lane, pasir ris, yew tee, ang mo kio.

last day of the month.

rainy day.

moody mood.

HELPLESS!

2009-08-26T21:04:00.002+08:00

IM REALLY USELESS!

I CANT HELP B AT ALL!

REALLY HELPLESS!

CANT BE BY HIS SIDE!

THE ONLY THING I COULD NOW IS CHEER HIM ON USING TEXTS!

ROOTING FOR HIM!

SENDING TEXTS AND MMS TO HELP HIM ENDURE THIS WEEK.

THATS THE LEAST I COULD DO!

I BELIEVE HE CAN DO IT!

STRESS!

2009-08-24T18:49:00.004+08:00

IM SCHEDULED FOR AN INTERVIEW AT 3PM.

i received the call in less than 3 hours after sending my resume over.

its so fast can, efficient.

I WILL ACCEPT THE JOB IF THE ENVIRONMENT AND BENEFITS IS GOOD.

NOT BEING FUSSY.

AS I HAD NIGHTMARE IN THOSE PLACES WITH BAD ENVIRONMENT.

hope i can pass it at one go.

i simply hates interview.

always asking the same questions.

THANKS B FOR THE SUPPORT.

BLESS ME BLESS ME BLESS ME.

SIMPLE THINGS THATS MAKE ME SMILE.

2009-08-23T19:13:00.004+08:00

JUST A FEW HOURS OF MEET UP.

MAKES ME SMILE THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT.

I WANT MAGIC!

2009-08-21T20:18:00.006+08:00

I WISH I HAVE MAGIC!

THEREFORE I CAN TURN LOTS OF MONEY OUT!

I WANT LOTS OF STUFFS!

I WANT MAC MAKEUP BRUSHES AND PALETTE.

MAC MAKE UP KIT. :)

BOBBI BROWN LINERS.

SHISEIDO MASCARA.

AND MORE.

I WANT MORE TOPS.

THE MORE THE MERRIER.

I WANT HANDBAG.

I HAVE BEEN SAVING FOR THE BURBERRY BAG.

BUT NOW HAVE TO SAVE AGAIN.

I WANT NEW PHONE.

im using B's omnia.

OMNIA II IS NICE!

I WANT TO SAVOUR NICE GOOD FOOD AGAIN.

田鸡粥

steamboat (tomyam and kimchi soupbase)
tomyam for me, kimchi for B. :)
fast food.
drooling~

MR LIN CAN YOU FUFILL MY LAST REQUEST?

田鸡粥

LOVES!

2009-08-19T20:42:00.004+08:00

even though its been so long, my love for you keep going strong.

i miss you like crazy.

i miss you, baby.

although we didnt managed to hear each other yesterday, but im contented with your texts.

these two nights are the most horrible one.

you only reached camp at 1plus am on monday,

yesterday you reached at 2.12am.

hope you have enough rest and dont fall sick.

i could only send you texts to cheer you on. :)

and mms to let you miss me more. =D

no matter what, i will be there for you.

accompanying you through this journey.

ILY.

"Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile."

PRESSURIZED!

2009-08-19T20:29:00.003+08:00

im feeling so pressurized!

mum had been urging me to look for a job!

i seriously dont know what i want to work as.

in which industry!

look through the webpage but nothing interest me!

OMG! what should i do!

SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME ADVICES, PLEASE.

RAINY = MOODY

2009-08-17T14:43:00.008+08:00

my mood changes when it comes rainy day.

feeling blue since morning.

hes back to camp yesterday.

is a full pack schedule for him this week.

keep going on.

like you always says

WE ARE WITH EACH OTHER ALWAYS EVEN THOUGH WE DONT SEE EACH OTHER.

***********************************

missing your touch

missing your hug

missing your tender kiss

missing your smile

missing your laughter

missing your voice

missing your hand holding mine

missing your carelessness

missing your shoulder for me to cry on

SIMPLY MISSING YOUR EVERTHING.

although we are meeting lesser

that doesnt means we dont care

as we have placed each other in our hearts.

i enjoy my moment with you be it a few hours.

i enjoy my dinner with even if its a simple fare.

i enjoy walking back home with you.

I LOVE YOUR COMPANY.

ITS YOU, B.

i love you lots.

FOREVER

2009-08-16T13:09:00.009+08:00

I'll be loving you forever,

Deep inside my heart you'll leave me never,

Even if you took my heart,

And tore it apart,

I would love you still, forever,

You are the sun,

You are my light,

And you're the last thing on my mind,

Before I go to sleep at night,

You're always round,

When I'm in need,

When trouble's on my mind,

You put my soul at ease,

There is no one in this world,

Who can love me like you do,

That is the reason that I,

Wanna spend forever with you

We've had our fun,

We've made mistakes,

But who'd have guessed along that road,

We'd learn to give and take,

It's so much more than I could have dreamed,

Cause you make loving you, so easy for me,

Cause this is the world,

where lovers often go astray,

But if we love each other, we won't go that way,

So put your doubts aside,

Do what it takes to make it right,

I love you, forever, no-one can tear us apart.

*************************

theres nothing i can do now, but only to wait patiently.

i hate the emptiness and loneliness in me.

no one seems to understand the feelings.

although people may think that im complaining or such.

i dont care.

i have no one to confine in and i dont want him to worry for me in camp.

i just want to let off the stone in my chest to my blog.

im missing him badly.

although we met on friday and saturday.

time seems to pass so fast when im with you.

friday, went to fetch you even though is only a few hours,

IM REALLY HAPPY.

I LOVE YOU, HAN

tiredness.

STRESS

2009-08-14T12:06:00.002+08:00

i dont know what am i doing now.

seriously i dont know what kind of job im interested in.

i dont want a job whereby i can only stay for 3-5 months at most and tender again.

i hate looking for jobs.

i dont like interviews at all.

i hate waiting alone in the room till the interviewers comes.

i seriously hate it.

i hates the feeling of being alone.

emptiness, loneliness.

SAD

2009-08-12T11:43:00.002+08:00

TO WHOEVER WHO LEFT A COMMENT ON THE SHOUTOUT, I HAD ALREADY REMOVE IT. WHO YOU MAY THINK IM A LOSER, BY ALL MEANS.

I ADMIT.

IM NOT COMPLAINING! IM JUST RANTING ALL THE UNHAPPINESS INSIDE ME TO THIS BLOG OF MINE AS I HAVE NO ONE TO CONFINE IN. YOU MAY THINK IM TRYING TO FIND EXCUSES BUT IM NOT. YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND THE FEELINGS IM GOING THROUGH AND YOU NEED NOT UNDERSTAND. EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN PROBLEMS TO THEIR LIFE. IM REALLY DISAPPOINTED TO SEE THESE KIND OF COMMENTS IN MY BLOG.

ENJOYABLE DAYS WITH YOU

2009-08-11T14:07:00.007+08:00

8/8/09
celebrated Baby 21st birthday. brought baby to crystal jade for lunch. ordered dim sum, 2 different flavours porridge and B's hongkong zhar jiang mian. while eating, auntie(B's mum) called and asked me to join them for dinner at night. i was so undecisive and told her i will confirm with her later. bused back my place, talked to baby for very long, and he wanted me to join him and his family for dinner. i agreed and we bused back together to his place. everyone was deciding where to go for dinner. after long discussion they decided to go to changi village for seafood feast. they ordered lots of seafood and we are enjoying our food with laughter and small talks. sis took a couple of pictures before leaving. got a lift from uncle(B's dad) and alighted us at B's place and home sweet home.
9/8/09
Baby accompanied us for breakfast and grocceries shopping. :) bought B packet milo to bring to camp. took a nap and we went down to mama shop to buy chips and slack at the viod deck. B suggested having pizza or kfc for dinner. we discussed and is set on pizza. made our order online and waited for 1 and half hour. savour our pizza and B had to finish it all as we had our fill. had small talk with B before he leave. chatted with him on the phone throughout his ride back home. wanted to wait for him to finish packing his bagpack, but i fell asleep instead. >.<

10/8/09

called B when i woke up. wash up, make up and went to the hawker for breakfast with sis. bused down to elias mall and accompanied B for his haircut. reached his place and saw his gigantic bagpack and its heavy. had lunch with his parents, small talks and fruits. made baby to put on hydrating mask before he prepared himself to get changed. he wore his uniform and looked totally different. auntie cut honeydew for B before we set off to yew tee point. uncle drove us there and B fell asleep. we had subway for dinner. we enjoyed our sandwiches and cookies. even though its a simple fare but we enjoy each other company. after dinner, its time for B to get prepared to book in. i accompanied him through one traffic light and two blocks. we decided to part halfway as B is afraid i had to go walk back alone in the dark. i requested seeing him walking till i lost sight of him. B turned back as i was standing there crying. B told me not to worry and he will be out very soon. the very first time, seeing his back walking into the dark and i had to walk alone towards his opposite direction. i wasnt able to give him a hug to bid him goodbye or hold his hands to tell him not to worry. we had quite a long talk after his book in.

today, he texted me something which brighten my day up. thanks, baby. like what you said, theres no comparison in any relationship as long as we both LOVE, CHERISH AND ENJOY EACH OTHER COMPANY.

CONFUSED AND SAD

2009-08-07T20:17:00.002+08:00

i was so happy in the afternoon at 1plus when i received your text. telling me you are back from your outfield training. after your third replied text, nothing came from you again. i was pacing up and down. my phone is dead, dont really know is my eyes playing tricks on me again or did you really text me. sigh* had spagetti for dinner, am so full, feeling so unwell. cant concentrate on anything. you said you will be out today!

IS HAS BEEN 31 DAYS!

HOW MUCH LONGER MUST I WAIT!

IS IT TOO MUCH!

ENDURANCE REALLY DO HAVE LIMITS!

im not sure of myself too. seeing people get to meet up but i dont get to. they are always telling me to be more accommodating, but they are not in my shoes they dont really know it feels. is awful! why am i always the one waiting and i dont get any fruitful labor?

TIRED

2009-08-06T20:15:00.005+08:00

woke up on and off in the night, didnt really slept well. prepared myself and have my make up done. its been a long time since i put on make up, wasnt really comfortable with it. went out at 12 plus, trained to bugis. went to the temple to pray. followed up is shopping time. walked around bugis street, nothing caught my attention, over to parco instead. went charles and keith, there isnt much choices of flat pumps, so i left the shop. again, to my usual patron shop, mutiji, bought a pair of sharp pointed black pumps. made payment and left the shoes for expansion on the top. walk around looking for B's present. got into my neighbour working place, and asked his advices and decided to get that for baby. bought marshmallow from muji, all time favourite. back to collect my pumps and at this time my phone went haywire. totally react slow and cant do anything to it. on and off the phone numerous time. bused back from suntec, bought grocceries from fairprice. on the way back, bought chicken wings, egg tart and carrot cake from crystal jade as i didnt take my lunch and my stomach is growling non stop. bused back home, ate the food and exchange my sis spare phone battery. hope it wont give me any more problems. i dont want to update the software through the web as the texts cant be transferred to my SIM card. although saving all the texts into the SIM card seems foolish but its very meaningful to me, i had to bear the pain when i went to service my screen months ago and didnt manage to back up anything. i couldnt bear to do it this time round. when i was trying to send files from my phone, i received baby's text. i tried to open up but to no avail. i changed my SIM card to another phone is still the same. is my eyes playing tricks on me?

I WANT TO SEE HIM SOON.

missing him real bad.

cam-whoring before heading out. :)

MIXED FEELINGS

2009-08-05T20:37:00.005+08:00

i started thinking what am i going to do next. dilemma. i dont know what kind of life am i expecting and what should i do to make my life more fufilling. these questions had been popping in my mind for days, but somehow i cant find an answer to it. sometimes, these problems really stressed me out. i couldnt get to sleep, SERIOUS INSONMIA. woke up in the morning, always staring blank infront of my laptop doing nothing. wanted to find someone to talk to but it seems so difficult. my life seems to have changed drastically. i just want something peace and fulfilling. is it too much to ask for?

PISSED!

2009-08-03T21:28:00.005+08:00

FUCKING PISSED OFF! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE! FUCK OFF! ALL BEACUSE OF YOU FUCKING BASTARD, IM BEING RANTED THE WHOLE NIGHT! JUST FUCKING GET OFF MY SIGHT! IDIOTIC FUCKER!

WHAT DOES MY FACIAL EXPRESSION CONCERN YOU!

MY EXPRESSION IS ALWAYS A BLACK FACE.

IF YOU FUCKING DONT LIKE, THEN YOU FUCKING DONT SEE.

NO ONE ASKED YOU TO LOOK AT ME.

ONLY KNOW HOW TO ORDER PEOPLE TO DO THIS AND THAT!

YOU FUCKING SO CLEVER YOU CAN FUCKING DO IT YOURSELF.

DONT THINK YOU CAN CLIMB OVER MY HEAD AND MESS AROUND WITH ME!

YOU FUCKING THINK YOU CAN MESS MY LIFE UP!

YOU FUCKING WISHFUL THINKING!

DONT THINK YOU CAN FUCKING INFLUENCE ME!

YOU BLOODY IDIOTIC FUCKER!

DONT TRY TO PUSH YOUR LUCK!

I WONT FUCKING STAND ON CEREMONY RECITING THE THREE WORDS HOKKIEN IDIOMS.

ONE BY ONE!

RANDOM day

2009-08-03T15:28:00.004+08:00

woke up at 6.30am, prepared myself over to the opposite park to have my morning jog and brisk walking. my stamina is really getting worse. couldnt really jog more rounds as before. brought blackcurrant with aloe vera and apple with aloe vera fruit juice. :) it tastes sweet, but after a few mouthful, is quite appetitizing. bought mushroom shredded chicken noodles home for breakfast. reached home kinda late today, mum had left for work. usual routine. looked through website for jobs. but none is really suitable. try my luck again tomorrow. no matter what, secure a job at the moment is my top priority. doesnt feel good without money by my side. :)

i seems to get used without having his texts and calls, BUT i want to see him soon.

MISSING YOU

2009-07-31T21:55:00.002+08:00

missing you lots.

YAWNESS DAY

2009-07-31T13:29:00.006+08:00

getting serious insonmia. had not been sleeping well these days, especially last night i slept for an hour. theres so many things in my mind, simply cant empty and go to sleep. woke up at 5.50am today. lying on my bed till sis wake me up. but could help it anymore, wash up and get myself prepared to the opposite park. daddy and mummy insisted that i should start from fast brisk walking first, as i still feel tightness in my stomach. brought my nano along, listening to songs to keep myself occupied. had 6 and half round of fast brisk walking. over to the hawker to get my breakfast. im just that unlucky mostly the food i wanted to have are closed. walked over to the coffeeshop near my place and get it. reached home and mummy is about to leave for work. my leg is painful when i took off the jogging shoes, just brisk walking alone. >.<

received text from B at 5am. didnt feel the vibration on the phone and couldnt reply him on time. we cant keep in contact for 8 days which is till next friday. he is having his outfield training today, the first day. hope he can endure all the way, and take his medicine on time. :) 我会尊守我和你的约定. no matter how unbearable is it, i will endure till the end. i cant afford to lose.

:)

2009-07-30T12:52:00.006+08:00

HAPPY 9TH MONTH, BABY

i received your text early in the morning at 5.27am. im glad you still remember as you have lost track of the date in camp.

thank you for your understanding.

i shall be waiting for your bookout next friday.

without your calls or texts for 8 days.

♥

remember the promise we made.

♥

EMOTIONAL DAY

2009-07-29T22:33:00.006+08:00

feeling kinda emo when i woke up. alone in the house again. i hates the feeling of being alone ever since im down with sickness. taken my breakfast, with the notebook again, this time im staring at it, wrote an email to B and with teary eyes. pour my unhappiness into an email to him but he will only see it when he book out. im missing him so badly, i had not seen him for 21 days. i wish to see him in another 10 days time. was feeling so down, wanted to find someone to talk to, but i cant find any. everyone is busy with school and work. staring at the screen with teary eyes again.

i have so many troubles that are unnecessary. i have to break them up and stand on my feet again. i have to DO IT in order to have my sickness cured. firstly i have to cure my phobia in my previous job environment that irks me off working there. second got to set my goals. third exercise more and have balanced diet like im having now. to destress myself from having anxiety again. only now i realise i get stressed up so easily due to my sickness. i want to recover and be back the cheerful and talkative me. had not been talking much lately. i want to thank two friends of mine giving me so much advices. thank you. am feeling much better.

just received B's call not long ago, but only managed to talk to him for 2mins39sec and two replied texts. you are lucky that you remember tomorrow. if not i will not forgive you. ♥ 很想对你说我好想你! take lots of care in 8 days camp, BABY!

???

2009-07-28T20:50:00.002+08:00

the reports shows everything is fine in me. nothing wrong. but why do i still feel like this? is it too stress? i hope the increase of dosage in medication helps and ends all the tormenting inside me, please. GOD PLEASE BLESS ME AGAIN.

JITTERS

2009-07-28T11:55:00.002+08:00

im going to collect my report real soon. jitters crawling over me. nausea as per usual. i dont like the feeling. argh! feel like crying again. INSONMIA IS KILLING ME! i had not really spoken more than 5 sentences since i woke up at 10am. its seems to be my habit. GOD PLEASE BLESS ME.

STOP PLEASE

2009-07-27T18:02:00.002+08:00

IM SO CONFUSED OF MYSELF NOW. on and off i feel nausea and gastric cramps. taken the medicine doesnt seems to have any effect and i have unexplainable feeling in my stomach. why is this happening? im so sick of it. the feeling is too tormenting for me. i had endure this for more than a month, why isnt there any improvement in me? im so scared that it might have other causes. throughout this period, i had not seen myself smiling or laughing or on a happy mood. everyday to me is so tormenting, with false smile, acting to be strong, tears and getting slimmer by days. i just want to my health back, my smile back, and the happy go lucky me back. everyone had been saying i changed during this period. had not really been talking, doing the things i like or being my usual self. always facing the notebook or staring at it and will lock myself in the room the whole day except meals time. IM LOST, I NEED TO BRING MYSELF BACK, BUT IT SEEMS TO BE DIFFICULT. and tomorrow will be the day of my report from the doctor. GOD BLESS ME. I DONT WANT ANY MORE SICKNESS. PLEASE.

DEPRESSED!

2009-07-24T19:50:00.005+08:00

i doesnt know what im doing now! simply messed up relation. is it purely my fault? i do think of your feelings, but who think of my feelings? understanding doesnt need to spell out all the time. i changed? because of my illness? then did you ever spare a thought for me? i had been sick for so long, i didnt want it too. on and off nausea, is not that fun. i also wanted to go out to do shopping and chit chat session with friends. but HOW DO I GO? NAUSEA IS KILLING ME! can you think of how im feeling first before you said i didnt spare a thought for you. yours can be cure, but mine is following me LIFETIME. will never know when it will come back to you. im totally disappointed. who can i pour my unhappiness to? all these while i had been shouldering all myself, bringing a strong front towards others to show that im fine. truth is im not well at all, discomfort times i can only endure it myself. you dont even know how i endure all my unhappiness and discomfort times alone. im really very tired of repeating myself to you anymore. just take it that im unreasonable or anything you think im. it doesnt matter to me anymore. IM ALL ALONE ALWAYS. I CAN HANDLE ALL OF IT BY MYSELF. you said all of a sudden i behave like this, its because you only care about yourself, not me. you are always saying you care, but deep inside you only worried about not able to go out and stuffs. then what about me? all my waiting had gone to waste. i thought it was my fault but come to think its not totally me. i had already thought it over to wait for another 2 weeks, but you keep emphaising this weekend and stuffs will make me even worse. PLEASE SPARE A THOUGHT FOR ME. i dont know what will happened to me, when i collect my report on tuesday. spare me from agony please. *not trying to pin point on anything.

A BIG BLOW TO ME!

2009-07-22T20:57:00.003+08:00

baby, im not blaming you, if you happened to read this post. i just find it hard to hear from you that this thing happened to you. you had been trying ways and means to fight through this coming sat, but now is gone. i just cant accept the fact. i had been trying my very best not to think about the days and stuffs and finally this coming sat which i looked forward to so much. now everything has to start from scratch again. another 2 weeks more. which makes up to 1 month and 2 days or might be longer. i need sometime to accept it, im sorry. the first few days was the worst to go through, wasnt feeling well and was struggling too. had my thoughts sort out and was still able to pass through each day. i dont know whether can i still carry on my life like this. its too tormenting for me. others can do it, but not me. everyone has different endurance and tolerance limits. mine has somehow meet the end of point. always stuggling through each day, always acting nonchalant, acting a strong front, im tired, really tired. can i put an end to this?

UNPREDICTABLE MOOD SWINGS

2009-07-21T17:10:00.003+08:00

what happened to me? fancy getting pissed off and having attitude problem to a sick person! did i took the wrong pill? my life is so fucking messed up! i hate my life! why is my life so fucking messed up? why? why? why? WHERE HAVE MY ENDURANCE GONE TO? my endurance has meet the end of point. im sorry to say that. tolerance seems to run away from me. im such a failure in ALL ASPECTS. my health, my career, my studies, my relationship, my life. is it going down the drain? i dont want to end like this. i still have lots of things which i have not accomplish yet. hais, its all coming to me at one shot. GOD, PLEASE PULL ME OUT OF THIS MISERY, IT IS TORMENTING.

WHY?

2009-07-20T22:36:00.004+08:00

I SERIOUSLY DOESNT KNOW WHAT I WANT IN LIFE!

im always hoping for something simple yet is difficult to attain it.

HELPING OUT BUT SOMEHOW IS NOT APPRECIATED.

always on a weak condition in every aspects.

LIFE SEEMS LIFELESS AND RESTLESS TO ME NOW!!!

I HATE MY LIFE!

NOT STRONG ENOUGH.

2009-07-19T12:12:00.003+08:00

my mind keep having thoughts with questions from the previous post. i cant help it. you had been a very good listening ears to me. i tell you everything that troubles me and you will even let me vent my frustrations on you without blaming me. i really apreciate it, but my standing now is i cant even tell anyone whats troubling me and my problems. when you called me, we can only talk for about 5 mins the least, and with the things you did the whole day. i cant really tell you anything, stuffing all the things with myself, not letting you worry about me with your tough training inside. friday i really did something very regretful. i actually told you i dont know how long can i endure, your voice changed after hearing that. the text you sent me didnt even mentioned anything regarding that. yesterday, i heard you coughing non stop on the phone and you still want to hang on with your training without letting your officer know, and you told me you will ***. i dont like you saying things like that, nothing will happen. this time is my turn to say, PLEASE BELIEVE ME, EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. sorry for the words that shouldnt be saying to you, that demoralise you. i realise my mistake, will be waiting and supporting you throughout this road of difficult journey, like how you accompany me through the days when im sick, with you accompanying me to the clinic and hospital. :)

DOUBTING MY ABILITY TOWARDS WAITING

2009-07-17T22:02:00.004+08:00

tonight i had the longest chat with you, b. over the phone, i keep prompting myself to you, HOW MUCH LONGER CAN I ENDURE? after the bad news came from you. i seriously asked myself, how long can i really endure? can i really walk through this with you? can i do it? can i sleep soundly without waiting for your call/text? can i supress myself not to think about you? can i really wait till your book out day? can i ignore all these? can i dont look through those emails you sent to me? can i dont keep looking at my phone? CAN I? CAN I? CAN I? u returned me a question asking me, what will i do? i really dont know how to reply you. i know you are suffering inside, but im too. do you know that i had been shouldering all my problems and afraidness myself that i have no one to talk to. i told you before that i hate to wait. even waiting at the control station more than 5 hours is my maximum. be it waiting for you for more than 7 days, including waiting for the calls, getting insomnia. maybe is time for me not to think about you so much, and get my feet up to get my health back in pink and think of my future. i will put aside all your stuffs and prepare myself towards my goals and those unaccomplish stuffs.

AFRAID

2009-07-15T17:20:00.003+08:00

tomorrow will be the gastroscopy day. im really scare. im afraid the results will be bad. this problem had been in my mind for days. im really scare. had been supressing myself not to think about it, but doesnt seems to help. insomnia for days. not feeling really well now, gastric is like prickly pain. been sick for a month. hope all ends tomorrow after the scope, and im able to get some medication to ease the uneasiness. :( GOD PLEASE BLESS ME.

TIRED OF ALL!

2009-07-14T11:26:00.007+08:00

LZH, im really tired of waiting for your call. once received, is just a 1min39sec call, yesterday night was just a text and your phone is off.:( maybe the habit of talking to you on phone had turn into my daily routine really hard to change it back. practically i had nothing to do at home. woke up, on com, stare blank. i cant do anything at all. just images of those unneccessary floating in my mind. im really at a lost. i dont know what should i do. missing leads in life.

MISSING PIECE

2009-07-11T19:02:00.002+08:00

B, you had gone in for almost 2 days. missing missing you. no one to talk to when im bored. miss our saturday out with you. only managed to talk for about 5 mins last night. hope everything is fine there and you have to endure with all the training, although its tough, but still got to hang on. Alrights? MISS YOU BADLY. LEFT WITH 12 DAYS SOON. cant wait to see you.

SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME!

2009-07-09T20:06:00.005+08:00

tuesday, B came over early in the morning to accompany me to TTSH to consult the specialist of my illness. had been sick almost a month. called up to make an appointment in the clinic. was schedule at 2.20pm. daddy and mummy came back from work to accompany me there too. reached TTSH, was feeling so weak as the nurse and appointment clerk gave me a wheelchair to sit on. waited for quite long and finally is my turn to see the doctor. after consulting, i had to go through gastroscopy, CT scan, and the doctor heard noises in my heart which is not normal in my age. she quickly helped me to arranged to see the cardiologist. went to the cardiologist and had my ECG done. waited for my turn to consult. the specialist also heard nosies in my heart using the stethoscope. he advised me to go for the radiology to see the heart and the noises in it. went back to the gastro specialist and was asked to have my blood test. collected my medicine and went to have my appointment done for the the scope. left and make payment which cost around 600plus.

wednesday, went to TTSH for radiology for my heart, was so anxious as i dont know what will they do. it was painless and i was shivering as the air condition is so low over there. after 30 mins, i came out and mummy was waiting for me outside. mummy accompanied me to the CT scan place, the place is so posh. made payment and was asked to wait. was asked to drink a bottle of fluid before the scan, the fluid was so hard to swallow, it tastes awful. i took a very long time to finish it. finished the bottle of fluid and was accompanied by the nurse to a room, she injected a needle to my vein, was so painful, the nurse kept talking to me and turn my attention to elsewhere. i asked her alot of questions before its ready to start the scan. i cant bend my hand and elbow, the needle is injected in between, lie on the scan bed and another fluid was injected into the area of my vein. my whole body was so warm in the scan bed after the fluid flowed into my body. the scan took about 10-15mins. my hand was so painful when the needle was taken out. get changed and payment for the day cost mummy 1.3k.

just got my report for my heart condition. everything is fine, thank GOD. the specialist told me not to worry as i was so anxious. but there is one more battle to go through, which is on next thursday, gastroscopy. im scared! hope everything will be fine. GOD bless me.

BABY, DONT WORRY ABOUT ME IN CAMP, I WILL BE FINE LIKE YOU ALWAYS SAID.

Independence

2009-07-02T23:33:00.003+08:00

i have got be to back the old vanessa, the independent one. had been relying on LZH too much. he will be going for his national service. will be meeting lesser as time passes. got to quickly find a job then will be the time i wont miss him that much and concentrate on my job. ~>.<~ feels kind of moodless as it only left with the remaining 7 days, and will soon reach his enlistment date. without his texts and calls everyday seems bored then. :(

happy and fun day

2009-07-01T01:02:00.004+08:00

its the 8 month, LZH.

met LZH, and we cant decide where to go. finally we decided to head down to bugis, to buy shoes as the shoes im wearing seems like is going to spoilt any time. ZH showed me how to reduce stress in his ipod, seems like im doing most of it but no cure, will continue to try it. :) reached bugis, went charles and keith but none of the shoes there caught my attention, followed by mutji, saw a pair of shoes that can really match my dress code asked for sizes but there is none for the size requested, tried a few others but still doesnt really match and decided to look around for others. ZH bought a cap, nice, but i still prefer u without cap, but no choice to cover yourself with it after your haircut. :) over to bugis street, found a pumps to my liking, unexpectedly the price is so reasonable and bought it. had dinner at a chinese restaurant, ordered zar jiang ramen, ginseng chicken soup ramen, xiao long tang bao, osmantha tea and ice lemon tea. i like the soup of the ginseng chicken. simply sweet and doesnt really have the strong taste of the ginseng. price is reasonable as the ramen is handmade and you can see the chef making it on the spot. is 8 plus after our dinner, had our photos developed into wallet size and get facial wash for ZH and over to suntec at 9 plus. when we reached suntec mostly all the shops are closed. went to carrefour to buy lock and mineral water. hurried and get the stuffs as it seems like closing too. wanted to get the tea we drank at the restaurant as it has the remedy to relieve anxiety and gastric problems but is closed when we got there. would like to get it and hope it will cure my gastric problems. trained back and ZH bought strawberry red tea bubble tea, taste unique and has bits of strawberries. accompany me home and home sweet home for LZH. thanks B for the lotion and photos.

TIRED out!

2009-06-29T22:04:00.001+08:00

bid goodbye to the horrible environment. thanks for the concern regarding my health, and thanks for the lunch treat. :) been feeling better these few days. totally feel dead today. handover is such a tiring task! i would rather be the one learning instead of teaching. had been talking almost the whole day, demostrating how to do the reports, where are the forms located, what to do daily, weekly and monthly. the guy taking over me seems a nice chap, hope he is able to absorb everything in a day. IM NOW A FREELOADER AT HOME! have to find and get a job soon. this time round i will find a job related to my studies and must be able to stay longer than half a year, no more 3 months to 4 months experience in each company. NO MORE!.

2009-06-17T12:02:00.004+08:00

4 days of MC le. i want to recover! its tormenting! i had no appetite and i had to eat in order to take my medicine. tired out, the gastric is killing me. i want to recover! just came back from the doctor again, his advice was to quit the job as i dont know when i will have stress and will work up the gastric problem again. :( i cant even rest on my mc given to me. called me up and ask me how to do the the report. frankly speaking, i had enough of the environment. the people there are not as nice as they seems to be. always get bullied as im the only admin and the youngest one. treat you nice when they need your help, hypocrites! should get ready and find a new job. have to eat my medicine soon. :(

SICK again!

2009-06-14T12:32:00.003+08:00

had not been feeling well due to gastric again. the feeling is so awful. vomited. :( feeling slightly better now. thanks LZH for accompanying me once again, and not able to go out to shop for presents. sorry. >,<~ and had the same dinner with me, porridge. the first time i get so awful with the sickness. feels like dying. :( hope i can recover in time.

shoppping day!

2009-06-07T01:43:00.003+08:00

had been so stressed up recently regarding about my work. finally its SATURDAY! met LZH and had macdonald treat from him. trained down to bugis for shopping! bought a black skinny pants for myself, LZH bought a T-shirt. followed up by aijisen ramen, LZH had clams set meal ramen with carniflornia(dont really know the word well)maki roll, white fish and green tea, while i had volcano ramen with carniflornia maki and green tea. the ramen is spicy and it tastes really well. thanks, LZH for the treat. :) went over to suntec to crocodile shop for polo-tee. LZH tried couple of sizes and colours. but got a green base with pink stripes polo. looks good on him.:)

hope you like the polo tee, LZH.:)

swollen feet

2009-05-29T12:54:00.004+08:00

the swollen feet started 3 days ago with a small mosquito bite size. yesterday, it became very swollen and itchy, cant even wear my shoes or slip on heels. wore slipper to work and wear super causal. went to main office with the attire makes me feel so awkward with so many people wearing formal wear. talked to my brother there told him to fasten up the documents and i can leave there as soon as poosible. he asked me to lunch with him at bugis, but i still have alot of stuffs not complete yet, i cant decide, in the end he called me to go back and eat with my colleagues. on the way out, the sky became very dark, when i reached the bus stop it started pouring so heavily, i didnt brought any umbrella along. when i got in the bus, i was thinking how to walk back to office without shelter, pass through lavender and its not raining at all. i alighted and wanted to pack my lunch back, started pouring again. no choice got to wait for the rain to stop at the bus stop, called all my colleagues no one picked up my call, luckily theres one colleague she came out and saw me sitting there and wave the umbrella up and fetch me with an umbrella and went to pack lunch back. left workplace at 5.15pm, LZH came and fetch me and accompany me to the doctor. the doctor was a replacement. i talked to him he didnt even answered me and keep writing the medicine to give me and didnt tell me which food should i abstain from and how do i apply the cream. after the consultantion, we had chicken rice which i love alot and the queue is so long. after eating, ate guava bought by LZH. he will always buy that whenever he come over to fetch me. my feet is so painful and itchy, i kept scratching him as i cant scratch on the affected area. THANKS, LZH ONCE AGAIN. :)

the first time with so many medicine and i had to eat and with drowsiness content. :(

heartbroken

2009-05-26T22:38:00.002+08:00

yesterday night and morning, LZH and myself really had a hard time. keep thinking of those unneccessary. total breakdown in the office, everyone is looking at me with my swollen eyes. cant concentrate in my work at all. after work, LZH came to fetch me, ordered pig organ soup for me only as i didnt had my lunch. talked things out, bused back to amk, B bought stuffs for me to bring to work to snack as i always tell him im hungry. sat at viod deck, clear the air and everything is back to normal. i doesnt want things like this to happen again. my heart really broke into tiny pieces like a piece of glass.

DECISION HAD TO BE MADE

2009-05-25T20:28:00.002+08:00

had difficulty breathing wearing the belt when eating, but after sometimes is not that tormenting. :)

had been thinking alot, should i let go or hold on? someone please give me an answer to the question in my heart. :'(

Laziness and Stress

2009-05-24T18:47:00.005+08:00

had not been updating my blog due to tiredness and stress. work related! but im happy and sad that LZH let me vent all my frustation on him without throwing his temper back to me. feeling regretful always saying things on the top of anger without thinking of his feelings, always place myself in the first place. im not that great being his gf! trying my very best to supress my stress to the minimum level.

LZH treat me ajitei yesterday, both of us ordered the paper hotpot, mine is kimuchi pork and B's spicy clam and B ordered one side dish but im not that sure whats its named, but its nice. went over to watsons to get my things and B saw the eye therapy equip, gave it a try and bought it, while i was standing there waiting for him in the end i brought one pair of socks for my mum that give circulations to the feet and lessen the pain and i bought the belt that goes round the waist to support my back to prevent from spraining again and at the same time i can shape my waist. :)

HAPPINESS

2009-05-03T12:38:00.004+08:00

its been 6 months 2 days. ups and down during that period of time. had not been meeting much these couple of weeks as the both of us were working. B still will drop by my place during weekdays. yesterday went to his place, then over to Tampines mall, initially was to have Pizza Hut's for dinner, the queue was so long and decided to change others instead. have Fish and Co, ordered so much till we had to cancel our order for the dessert. my Hot Fudge with Ice Cream. make our way to Tampines 1, spacious and lots of people. went to the shop selling Japanese causal wear. its quite normal, i thought i could find something nice there but none. B bought a Red polo shirt. nothing much and we bused back to amk hub and sat over at the viod deck for drinks then home sweet home for me, while LZH went punggol.

HAD ENOUGH OF ATTTUDE PROBLEMS.

2009-04-26T12:43:00.003+08:00

i just hate working days, with my black face everyday. just simply cant communicate with the people there. sickening people as im the only administrative staff there. showing attitude problem which concerns your own sales, instead of giving a helping hand, the reply was WHAT RUBBISH IS THIS? and revert to the boss. seems like my words dont hold any power at all. whatever it is, i will complete my own things and leave on the dot. talk less, work at my own pace. FREAKING IRRITATING PLACE WHERE I CANT STAND STAYING FOR A MINUTE!. i have got no choice but to stay on for the income to support myself! i dont think i can stay anymore longer there!. no one knows what i did for them when i reached early in the morning to update all forms into the file, do their reports and update their daily ranking. hate it!

i would like to go to a faraway place, away from stress, money issues and work. to relax myself to go on for a longer journey ahead. when will the day come?

DROPPED DEAD!

2009-04-19T12:07:00.003+08:00

my dropped dead routine started on last tues. as per usual, woke up at 6.05am, rush out at 7.10-15am, board the bus at 7.30-35am. reached office at around 5-15 mins before 8.30am. started my daily routine job. left office at around 5.45pm-6pm. my working hours is 8.30am-5.30pm, but i will stay more than half an hour longer there. everyday without fail, i must wait for the bus for at least 30-45 mins in order to board. reached home around 7 plus everyday, wash up, talked to B and i can fall asleep without knowing, left B on the phone kept hello-ing. and the next day starts the same.

RANDOM.

2009-04-12T19:30:00.002+08:00

FRIDAY:

learnt new stuffs from boss as i was looking through the hard copies, and shocked to hear from him its the first lesson today. left work at 5.10pm to parkview to pass the calls again. met B and his friends at bugis. had korean food again, four days in a row. talked about BGR topics. bused to chinatown to make enquiries about cruises. decided to take up ASA package. parted with them around 10 plus, bused home and took darling before going home.

SATURDAY:

went over to watch taboo at B's place. intially made reservation for steamboat, but cancelled in the end. went home to celebrate mum's birthday. in between there were some details shall not be mentioned. brought cake on the way back home, named orange zest. went out for dinner, zi char, overall is nice. went for groceries shopping with mum and sis. B carried all the stuffs back halfway through he tricked me into giving him the bag of stuffs im holding. cutted cake around 9 plus. B gulped the red wine down, wasted!. B went home around 11.35pm and came back again to pass my things to me. reached home less than 45 mins.

SUNDAY:

dad friend came and fix the desktop so early in the morning, got to force myself up and wash up. had a cup of coffee followed by breakfast. ironed my clothes and done housework. aunt and cousin came and sat till 5plus going 6 and we went to have dinner, zi char again, with bbq chicken wings, the chilli is spicy. I LOVE IT! B's sister helped me with the downloading of the mobile games, and now im transferring to my phone, tried one games, but to no avail, i touch the screen and it cant detect at all, trying others now.

TIRED AND HAPPY.

2009-04-07T23:09:00.006+08:00

today, fell asleep in bus, nearly missed my stop again if i didnt opened my eyes. reports finished before 11, was waiting the time to reach lunch. had tom yam cup noodles for lunch. find things to do after lunch, still manage to work till 5.30pm. B came and bought guava for me, intially wanted to bus back to amk, but the bus was so packed so we decided to walk to lavender mrt bus stop to board it. in the end, we went bugis to have dinner, kimchi fried rice and kimchi rice cake. yesterday we had hotplate bbq pork and kimchi tofu soup. i just love korean cuisine. walked over to suntec, bought you tiao and butterfly knot. the you tiao is so hot and crispy but its oily, as for the butterfly knot, is sweet and cold. bused back went fair price to get a lunch box, mayonnise, ham, tuna and instant noodles. decided to pack my own lunch to work, is more convenient and i can save money at the same time. mum cooked fried rice for me to take to work. i want money money money. :)

FUN day

2009-04-05T08:57:00.003+08:00

just came back from B's friend chalet. enjoyed myself there. reached around 8 plus 9pm last night. didnt have much appetite so i didnt ate anything. had one sip of orange juice, followed by numerous cups of absolut mango with orange juice. intially was green tea, but it doesnt taste good. added chivas into the cup of mixture with absolut mango and orange juice. B can taste it straight away. next was chivas and orange juice. taste great. as orange juice was running out, we mix chivas with coke. taste weird at first, but it blends well after a few sips. waited for B to finish bathing, his friends were so funny talking in the room. B brought out one can of heniken after putting food on the bbq pit, poured out and shared with his friends. i cant finished the heniken and B gulped it all. went out for darling session, B's friends called us to join their table, with chivas and coke again. had too much of liquor just in one night. chatted with B's friends as he went to take a nap but somehow was irritated by the girl, and he left the room and came out again, feeling nausea, and vomitted after drinking lukewarm water. B was feeling better after that. sat there for another 1 hr plus, and we left the chalet. B fetched me back and just got back home. is an enjoyable night.

DONT DRINK TOO MUCH LIQUOR, YOU HAD THREE DAYS IN A ROW INCLUDING TONIGHT YOUR FRIEND BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION!

SHE CRIED!

2009-04-01T23:14:00.004+08:00

i have been feeling very troubled and stress but i still put a smile on my face like nothing happened. i asked B a question and he kept asking me why. i just dont really know how to put words and make into sentences. one word, two words became my answer. after which, i speak longer sentences and i break down. tears seems uncontrollable rolling down. i vented out all my unhappiness within me. im feeling much better after hearing comforting words by B. thanks for standing by me even though the words that came from me hurts your feelings. i apologised for saying those silly things that i didnt really wanted it to happen.

TOUCHed!

2009-03-31T22:17:00.004+08:00

as per usual, same routine everyday. went over to parkview square at around 3.45pm to collect some documents, came back, kinda slack, asked boss to sign my timesheet and faxed over. I CAN ONLY GET MY PAY ON NEXT TUESDAY!. im dying, so broke and got to wait till then.

B, heard from you that you send an email over which you didnt revealed much about it. i saw the email, read the text written on it, opened the attached file and saw the compilation of a video of the two of us. memories kept flowing in and jotted down the tiny little things we did. PARDON MY WILLFULNESS and making you so worried. im not going to say sorry anymore. Thanks for being with me through my hard times. THANKS, LIN ZIHAN.

2009-03-30T20:58:00.003+08:00

was so sleepy when i reached office today. feels like didnt slept the whole night though. started my first routine, photocopy enrolment forms, on the computer worked on my reports, done 6 reports in a row before lunch time. lunch in after buying my ba chor mee, had so many days of it since last week. cant even have my lunch properly, on and off phone calls and courier stuffs. done with my daily updating and im so free waiting for the time to pass. finally 5.30pm clocked, kept my things and off i go. saw B sitting at the stairs. i find him very weird, and i forced him to tell me what happened, in the end he said HE IS NOT FEELING WELL. since 2009 started, he fall sick twice. bused back, went to the hawker near my place for dinner. he had porridge and managed to finish. home sweet home, forced him to go back quickly.

ITS THE 5TH MONTH LE. FINALLY GET TO SEE YOUR BAD TEMPER THAT I HAD BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO, BUT NOT TO ME IS OK. NO MORE VUGLARITIES FROM YOU, WHEN YOU ARE AT THE TOP OF YOUR ANGER. HAPPY HAPPY 5TH MONTH.

2009-03-29T16:48:00.002+08:00

yesterday, tasted B's culinary skills, pasta, overall it tastes nice. but B kept commenting not nice not nice. must have confidence in the things you do. left his place around 7pm after having his mum's cooked soup, headed to suntec, had our dinner there. make our way to clarke quay, passed by esplanade as yesterday had the 60 mins earth saving day. everybody lit candles and B said its so romantic and missed having those atmosphere for a long time. bused home.

dreaded going to work. always doing the same routines, daily reports, performances' report, MTD report, internal report, calls report, courier slips plus report, calls, enrolment forms, claims forms and many more. I SERIOULY HATE MONDAY, is already BLUE mood and i had to complete FRIDAY's and SATURDAY's sales REPORT. driving me nuts. i want to learn new things, but some how i cant find time to slot myself into something new. i dont want to let people look down on me as i dont know what kind of insurance plans they are selling, the premium and the benefits. i was once in insurance line but in different selling points and benefits and plans. things are different now, as im only in administrative side not an insurance executive. position wise is different and standing point is different too. im the only admin support other than manager, seems like i cant tell which is good and which is bad, as i dont know is there any hidden agenda in them and turn around i get stab in my back. ITS TORMENTING!

2009-03-22T12:10:00.002+08:00

finally i had 12 hours of sleep. but somehow doesnt seems much. yesterday both of us went town, but once we were in bus, pouring rain started. alighted at far east, walking under the heavy drizzle to cineleisure to get our tickets, Paul Blart, Mall Cop. had our dinner over at the kopitiam at B1. went for the show. enjoyable show. made our way to taka, bought korean nian gao. its nice and chewy if the gravy is more spicy and it will be even tastier. drizzling once again.

Tired.

2009-03-18T20:33:00.002+08:00

almost everyday i dropped dead on my bed after washing up. workload is increasing. had not been stopping my hands at work. had been typing till my finger get stiff, dont even have the time to go to the washroom. boss will be back tomorrow, hope nothing happens. so many things to update him. worried i will be blamed by boss of hearing the wrong info of giving the leads. is so hard to keep track as everyone come to your seat and say i finish my copy can u give me one brand new piece, others will be saying too biased and give them so many copies as they have not ask for one. there are silence backstabber in the office, which i dont know who and is hard to know, as all are smiling with hidden agenda and you dont know what are they thinking and whats their next step. i work just for one motive which is the salary and i want to get back to my studies as soon as possible. i hate working life, where i will get back aching, stiff neck, lack of sleep and cant leave on the dot. i wish i can survive there for a long term basis and get along well.

Throat Inflammation

2009-03-10T22:11:00.005+08:00

my throat is once again inflame. is so painful when i tried to swallow saliva. was not feeling really well. knock off work as usual, not at specific time. B came and pick me again. had pig organ soup again, become our favourite. had twice in day with colleagues and B. bused down to amk hub bought strepsils and darling. sit at viod deck near macdonald's. waited for his friend. B send me home and his friend came along. sorry to made you walk (B's friend). they are going to chalet together. enjoying themselves after their exams. MISSING YOU, LIN ZIHAN.

2009-03-08T19:00:00.003+08:00

Friday:

after work, went bugis to have dinner. intially wanted to eat steamboat but end up having seoul garden as there wasnt any more seats in the aircon area. went to the seats assigned by the server, my clothes reeks of seoul smell. didnt eat much and was so full after that. after leaving seoul garden my bag, watch and shawl reeks of seoul smell, especially my hair, its stink. no more seoul for me anymore.

Saturday:

had aijitei for dinner at taka. the food are so tempting with nice desserts. i had my fill after a few mouthful of my set, cant really finish up my dessert. after dinner, met B friends over at cineleisure. trained home around 11.

Surprised.

2009-03-02T23:23:00.003+08:00

B had been giving me SURPRISES after my third day of work. firstly, on thursday, my first day at work, he appeared out of nowhere to fetch me. today, he sat at the staircases palying with his phone and i didnt called him and pretended that i didnt saw him. had dinner at amk S11. today work is shagged and dry. theory summary had so much to memorise and reports are tons and tons stacking up. hope i can manage when justin is leaving which is on the friday. :)

Happy.

2009-03-01T00:53:00.003+08:00

ITS OUR 4TH MONTH TOGETHER.

NO MORE SICKNESS FROM YOU, B. HAVE TO BE HEALTHY AND AS BIG EATER AS BEFORE.

Enjoyable Day and Surprise.

2009-02-26T22:53:00.004+08:00

went out at 7.05am, took a bus to amk hub to change another bus. was so anxious that i might be late for work, in the end i reached 8 mins earlier. couldnt find the place stated in the contract. called the consultant to seek help from her. she had typed the address wrongly and was halfway on the phone with her i saw the person in charge there. i was the only one to start work early but i can leave early too. waited to 9,30am, had to prepare my speech to my new colleagues. they are all very friendly people. learned the ropes from the person who i will be replacing him after he leaves. apparently theres nothing much i can do in the afternoon. had pizza treat from a colleague as she is leaving today as im on my first day there, in charge treated ice-cream. left at 5.30pm on the dot. walked down the stairs and i saw B right in front of me. that was quite a surprise to me. when i text him he didnt mentioned that he will be coming. had pig organ soup B introduced. the soup is nice, liked it very much. bused down to bishan, bought sis birthday cake from sweet sercet. the cake was very small and is a cheese fruit cake. cut into 5 portions and theres none left. forced B to play his pet, and keep disturbing him with it. lastly, HAPPY 16th BIRTHDAY, VANETTE.

Frustrated

2009-02-25T21:11:00.002+08:00

MOBILE's DOWN. feeling so frustrated when the screen couldnt detect the touch. pissed off. called the service centres and the enquires hotline. went wisma to get my phone done on the new screen again. theres goes my screen protector. cost me 10 bucks which cant be retrieved back, and data will be erased. didnt backup those important stuffs. SAD.

tomorrow will be the first day i report to work to a new company. suppose to report at 9am and last minute changed to 8.30am. doesnt even know where the place is as i didnt interview at the building itself before. hope luck will be around me tomorrow.

WORRIED

2009-02-24T23:54:00.002+08:00

B, GET WELL SOON. FEVER SUSIDE QUICKLY PLEASE.

Elated and Sad

2009-02-21T00:49:00.002+08:00

Thursday:

B finally had mushroom shredded chicken kway teow dry. keep tempting him with mms of photos on the noodles. bused down to bugis, bought our stuffs in muji walked over to taka. shopped around. was feelng hungry. had nana thai over at far east plaza. we ordered TOMYAM soup, Scallop KaiLan and Fried Cuttlefish with tartar sauce and two cokes. so filling after that. bused to amk hub, bought TOMYAM cup noodles again at fairprice. SIMPLY IN LOVE WITH TOMYAM. enjoyed myself the whole day.

Friday:

looked for B at CDC ubi after his first lesson of practical lesson. can tell he really enjoyed himself driving for the first time after two years of time wasted. bused over to bedok. had our dinner there. B had mutton soup while i had fried kway teow, and lastly fried carrot cake. walked around.

enjoyable day

2009-02-17T13:59:00.011+08:00

bus-ed down to chinatown, had 天津楼 dim sum buffet with bian.

this is the second round we had. the first one we push each other to take but didnt took any. halfway through this we are so full, we kept drinking the chrysanthum tea.

walked over to marina square, went muji, bought konjaku gummi candy, lemon sweets and two bottles of jasmine tea. cost around $8 just these items. bought tomyam cup noodles from carrefour. bused home. cam-whoring again.

Valentines'

2009-02-15T01:21:00.016+08:00

had our valentines at bugis. walking around bugis junction again. went steamboat-ing opposite shaw tower. we had 2 hours and 25 mins of it. i had my fill around 1 hour and bian is still enjoying. bian had lots of crab. went over to suntec and marina square.

let the photo do the talking.

lastly, the chocolate has liquor content in it. each chocolate is designed into a liquor appearance and it has liquor liquid inside. heard from bian is nice. would like to try it. dont put as display on your cupboard. :) Hope you like it.

Happy Valentines

Anxious and Elated

2009-02-14T00:50:00.004+08:00

went paya lebar for my 2nd interview. the interviewer is the team manager from lavender. had 10 minutes of interview. meet bian at paya lebar mrt station. went down to bugis. walked around and meet mum for awhile. had swensens for dinner over at plaza sing. i had lamb chop. seems nice on the menu, but turn out is covered with fats all over the side. bian had half chicken. and we both had sparkling drink, one strawberry and passion fruit. strawberry tastes like ribena and passion fruit tastes like pineapple. strolled to taka had black pepper hot dog with prata. so filling after that. shopping time again, but didnt get anything and bused home.

received bian valentine's day gift, really like it. Hope you like my gift too.

Till the end

2009-02-12T15:05:00.004+08:00

All these precious moments
With you by my side
Must be a gift from heaven
That's holding me all night

I don't know how I found you
I'm thankful that I have
Now that I have a love so true
To hold, to keep, to share

In my heart I can no longer hold inside

All of the love I used to hide

I'll always be with you until the very end

In this world there in no place I'd rather be

You are my life, my soul, my girl

You through it all I know

That you've come to see that you're the one till the end

All my friends around me

Say you'd be gone too soon

Baby I'm gonna make them see

We've found our way back home

We'll always be till the end

2009-02-09T22:21:00.000+08:00

there is a scheduled interview for me at paya lebar. hope this will be the last one.

yu sheng-ing

2009-02-08T22:44:00.008+08:00

had yusheng before dinner.

half way through dinner, dad asked me how i want to celebrate my 21st birthday, chalet? or ? i said i want nothing, just dinner with them will do. suddenly i wish to have a Bali trip on my 21st birthday. dad, can i?

2009-02-08T01:25:00.003+08:00

meet up with bian, he had his haircut in the morning. i was laughing non stop to disturb him the moment i saw him. he was pouting his lips again. train-ed down to harbourfront from hougang. went into candy empire, there are different kinds chocolates with wrapping so neatly done. had sardines puff from old chang kee again, so addicted to it after bian first try out. walk around, went Zara, theres one shirt that caught my attention. really like that shirt so much, really go wells with brown waist thin belt. had dinner at food republic, korean stone mixed rice. was so full that i cant finish my share. cant really eat much these few days after my gastric act up. before going home, we went to ang mo kio S11 for kinda supper, as i felt hungry. bian had tom yam handmade noodles and i had dry handmade meatball noodles. i cant finish it once more, this time the portion is much more left. waste your money again bian.

meetup with ite ex-classmates

2009-02-07T01:03:00.003+08:00

meet up with car and xiaohui at bugis control station at 5pm, but i was freaking late, i reached at 5.35pm. meet car at level one and went to make reservation for dinner, steamboat. was drenched in the rain crossing the road to the shop. shopped around bugis junction. kun min called and went to meet them at the steamboat shop. we ordered our soupbase while waiting for the others. we had two tables, one with laska and herbal chicken and one with tomyam and herbal chicken. kun min and gang had their fill so fast, as we were still munching away with our food. decided going plaza sing for movie after dinner. waited for matt's return, we went bugis junction arcade. car was so engrossed with the game and others was influenced by it. i was with suzie and xiaohui sitting down waiting for them. took a ride from matt to plaza sing. initially was to watch movie, suzie and me wasnt keen as it starts at 11 plus. had drinks over at the cathay starbucks. we shared our drinks here and there, trying out the flavours with sim's 'jokes' again. left around 11 plus and got a ride back home from matt again. the ride throughout was fun, with topics of getting license and stuffs. thanks matt for the ride again. looking forward to our next outing. :)

i must really go get my license soon. its much more convenient. no more empty talks but with actions done.

TERRIBLE HEADACHE AND GASTRIC

2009-02-05T19:27:00.002+08:00

woke up in the morning yesterday, having terrible gastric. followed by fever. rest in my bed almost the whole day. wasnt in any mood to use the laptop or watch television. a loss of appetite the whole day. only had a cup of hot drink and a few mouthful of rice. turn in after dinner.

woke up by bian bian's call in the morning. he was standing outside my door with mee tai mai soup. i dont like mee tai mai, is like the tail of a mouse. so gross with my mind thinking of that and chewing it in my mouth. i did eat a mouthful of it, bian bian. bian bian left for his class and i had to do the chores. terrible headache now, posting this.

Laziness

2009-02-01T01:16:00.002+08:00

would like to keep it short and sweet.

went bian's place, stayed for dinner and bus-ed to amk. the first time munching burger and walking at the same time. the very first experience i had.

DELIGHTED.

2009-01-31T01:04:00.002+08:00

bus-ed to bian's place around 2plus. waited for him at his block viod deck. waited for him to prepare. bai nian with his mum. jitters all over me, kept scratching my hair, jumping all around. hand over the orange to his mum came my stutters words. was kind of relieve after that. had each slice of walnut and fruit cake from his mum. kept feeding bian with it as i seldom eat. waited bian to download the psp games. left his place around 5 plus. train-ed down to dhoby ghaut. bought tickets, All's Well Ends Well. had our dinner at cafe cartel. bian had St. Louis Pork Rib and i had Hawaii Chicken Chop (forget the name of the dish), lastly mocha frapee. the portion is big and we are bloated after finishing it. walked over to cathay to catch the movie. the movie is nice. rate 4/5 for it. strolled down to forum and bus-ed home. much more to write, lazy to have it all type out.

2009-01-30T11:31:00.001+08:00

3rd month, bian

2009-01-28T14:36:00.007+08:00

HAPPY MOO MOO YEAR, EVERYONE.

had yu sheng on the eve of new year and steamboat for dinner.

Day 1:

woke up early in the morning at 8am, preparing myself to go out but i dont really feel like. im having gastric pain and cramps at the same time. the feeling is tormenting. reached grandma place at 11 plus. uncle and aunt were there decorating the flowers. dont feel like moving after putting my bag. had a few mouthful of lunch and sat down staring into space as the pain is unbearable. aunties, uncles and cousins came. wishing each other and the normal procedure hand shaking. had blackjack session, i kept losing. stopped game and helped grandma out. in the end grandma won $10. bused down to grandma house, we were the first one to reach. i just lay down and rest. aunt came and godparents came. gossiping again. after awhile mum's cousin came and we all had to disperse ourself to the room, kitchen and living room. after awhile, went darling session with cousin. stayed for dinner and watched little nyonya reunion.

Day 2:

woke up at 8am again, prepare myself, as im feeling much more better. went grandma place had lunch there. didnt ate much too. sat awhile, back to grandma house. sat there watching the taiwanese variety show. left at 3 plus, train-ed down to plaza sing to meet my bian bian. bian bian outfit is nice, barely see him in that outfit. queued up for our movie tickets, Love Matters. we had 2 hours more before the show starts, we walked around but not much shops and restaurants are open, only fast foods. im feeling hungry, hence walked over to cathay had shilin XXL Crispy Chicken and Oyster Mee Suan. went back for our movie, it lasted for about 2 hours and more including advertisments and previews for the upcoming movies. had our darling session again, wanted to buy drinks from 7-eleven, i had not say what i wanted and bian took the one i wanted in mind. strolled down to hereen, paragon and shaw tower. not much people on the streets, and is very quiet. bus-ed home. sat nearby my block, having our darling, and a policeman came up and ask bian bian did we see anyone running pass us. as we just got there, we didnt see any. was quite scary asking this kind of questions by the police, seems like theres something happening. bian bian send me back and home sweet home.

2009-01-25T01:58:00.004+08:00

Lollipop from bian bian when we were at mini toons.

from bian bian's sister, quite an innovative idea wrapping the mardarin oranges when going out for LNY visits instead of red small paper bags.

2009-01-25T01:32:00.016+08:00

yesterday went chinatown with my family. we walked around the tents selling CNY goodies and stuffs. we went to somewhere near Maxwell food centre, there is a flower exhibit. took some pictures of flowers that look interesting. we had steamboat for dinner, with tomyam and chicken soup base. had lots of Clams, my favourite.

UNDECESIVE STATE

2009-01-21T22:11:00.003+08:00

around 12 plus, my consultant called, and said im successful for the position. i rejected it straightaway as that wasnt what i wanted to do and the job scope is far too much routine. after half an hour later, she called and said they like me alot and asked whether what can they offer just to get me on the job. i was kinda taken in by those words. got advise from mum, dad and aunty. the last decision was not to take it up. although ecomony times are bad now, but i still wish i can have a stable job and doing stuffs that i myself enjoy. i hope the ecomony status will get better and i can really get on and find one. i really dont enjoy my daily life without much cash on hand.

FRUSTRATED AND HAPPY

2009-01-21T00:35:00.005+08:00

the interview was a fcuked up one. there are two interviewers. their english is so damn fluent and i cant really understand whats she is trying to convey the job scope of the position. she kept on talking non stop, and i dont really have a chance to stop her. seems like she has been repeating this particular phrase umpteen times. the questions throughout they asked, can be found all in my resume. is like repeating and repeating what i had wrote. and my mind was thinking, am i that lucky i wouldnt be asked by the TYPICAL QUESTION, and at the point of time, one interviewer shoot that question to me. its must be one of the crucial questions. got to answer the question no matter what. i was so fed up when i was asked to do a hands on skills, which wasnt mentioned from my consultant. i dont really know how to do it. afterall, i dont think i would not want to take up the job if im successful.

after the interview, meet up buddy buddy for lunch, treated me with long john again. THANKS. we chatted and chatted and buddy buddy didnt even looked at the time, and we had lunch for about 1hr and 15 mins. walked together with her to my ex working place, cant stop chatting at the lift area and asst manager saw us, was so embarrassed as we didnt ask her to join and luckily she had an lunch appointment. train-ed down to bian bian place, i was so late and he had to run to the bus stop to fetch me. stayed till 7 plus, was about to leave, bian bian took a big bag of CNY goodies which was packed by his mum. bian, THANKS YOUR MUM ON MY BEHALF. train-ed down to orchard, and it was about 8.30pm, pass the underpass to Isetan and look for bian's shoes for CNY. we saw a shoe at $549 and one at $888 with the same branding. it was so nice, but decided to give it a miss as it was too expensive. went over to suntec, and he FINALLY bought a pair of white shoes. and i FINALLY bought my second dress and was picked by bian. had pasta mania outside far east, and bian bian always had marinara with TABASCO, and his reaction after swallowing was, 是好吃的囖, and he will start imitating the taiwanese host. it was about 10.10pm, we went back to Isetan wanting to get titbits from the supermarket but it was closed with security guard outside. make our trip back to the bus stop and bus-ed home.

hate it

2009-01-19T22:50:00.004+08:00

i have got an interview tomorrow. there are two candidate who will be me and another person, which i happened to see it on the details email that my consultant sent. its like doing so boring stuffs again, which salary is pathetic after deduction of CPF and stuffs. the position which offers me for an interview, job scopes really sucks. need to help out with projects which i think isnt neccessary. I REALLY HATES INTERVIEW. AS THE FREQUENT QUESTION WILL BE, CAN U TELL ME MORE ABOUT YOURSELF? im always stuck on this question. i dont really know what to say about myself is appropriate as im afraid that i might spill something which i shouldnt. what if i praise myself so highly and turn out when you get to know me im different. isnt it kind of stupid, as you ask someone this question and certainly the person will give you an answer which is more favourable to your ears. am i right? but looking at the current economy status, what more can i choose? i should be grateful that im granted a chance for an interview. secure a job is the most important of all at the time being, be it a boring job.

I HATE INTERVIEWS!!!