SEEMS DEAD

HADNOT BEEN BLOGGING VERY OFTEN.

WORK IS BUSY.

JUST TO TYPE A FEW WORDS TO MAKE IT MORE LIVELY.

:)

A SPECIAL DAY TO US

its a very memorable day for the both of us.

when both strangers turn into friends and into a couple.

time just pass by so quickly.

with happy sad quarrelsome days.

the very first year that we gone through.

and theres more years counting on.

3010

BORED

work was so bored today.

sitting there almost the whole day.

getting myself to the job scope.

but are all easy task.

everyone is so busy with their stuffs as its the month end.

tomorrow promise is

to let me do more things.

is so bored and time pass so slowly when there is nothing to do.

HAPPY SHOPPING.

HAD A GREAT TIME SHOPPING.

had our lunch at ION sho teppan.

individual hotpot.

sweet base soup with fresh beef and pork slices.

B bought two polo tees in G2000.

Colour and fit suit him to a T.

bought a bottom skirt in bugis street.

B bought me a bag as a gift for my new job :)

dine in ajisen.

B bought something special to fix. ♥

TOUCHING

B introduced this movie to watch and made online reservation.

collected our tickets and had snacks before the show starts.

i strongly recommend this moive.

its a warm and touching show.

it was hilarious at the start and touching at the back.

i tried holding back my tears but its so difficult.

B was shocked when i asked him to pass me tissues.

i was weeping away from the scenes.

1 YEAR

its been one year.

15 OCT 08

Mcron Low

you will always be remembered.

In Loving Memory

THANKS

thanks, friends for standing by me.

i need to have my patience double up.

sometimes i feels its really good to have friends around,

rather than keeping all the troubles by myself.

feels much better after throwing all the torment out.

and i dont need lecture from someone who is the same as me.

so please take care of yourself and dont go around boasting around your things.

THIS IS THE WORST TIME OF MY LIFE

ENDLESS PROBLEMS

IM AT A LOST END NOW.

SIMPLY IN A DAZE.

INTERVIEWS, INTERVIEWS AND ENDLESS INTERVIEWS.

I DID MY BEST.

SHOW MY CONFIDENCE AND MY COMMUNICATIONS SKILLS.

BUT WHEN I HAVE TO ELABORATE WHY DID I LEFT MY PREVIOUS COMPANY.

EVERYONE SEEMS TO STUN ME OFF.

GASTRO PROBLEMS.

BUT IM FINE AND FIT TO WORK NOW.

EVERYONE NEEDS SOMEONE HEALTHY TO WORK.

BUT SOMEONE WHO GOES THROUGHT THE TOMENT AND RECOVER

COULDNT BE GIVEN A CHANCE TO SHOW THEIR ABILITIES.

I HAVE NO CONFIDENCE AT ALL NOW.

RESTRICTING MYSELF TO LOTS OF FOOD TO BE BETTER

AND THIS IS THE OUTCOME.

VEXED

PROBLEMS DOESNT SEEMS TO SOLVE BETWEEN US.

I DONT KNOW WHAT I REALLY SHOULD DO NOW.

FEEL TANGLED IN A KNOT.

IF I WERE TO CHOOSE, I DOESNT WANT TO BE IN THIS SITUATION.

WE BOTH DOESNT UNDERSTAND WHAT EACH WANTS AND NEEDS.

I JUST NEED SOMETHING REALLY SIMPLE.

MAKING ME SMILE THROUGHOUT THE DAY OUT WITH ANY SPENDING.

JUST AS SIMPLE.

AND I ONLY GOT MISERY.

BY THINKING WHAT TO DO FOR YOU INSTEAD.

I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING I CAN.

THATS THE LIMIT I CAN DO.

WHEN I NEED A RANTING EARS, YOU ARE ALWAYS NOT THERE.

WHEN IM RANTING MY PROBLEMS YOU WILL ONLY HEAR 1/3 OF IT.

THINGS YOU DID FOR ME, YOU HATE IT SO MUCH.

ACCEDING TO MY REQUEST EVERYTIME WHICH YOU DONT LIKE AT ALL.

CARVED MY SHORTCOMING IN YOUR HEART.

WHATEVER OR WHENEVER WHAT HAPPEN YOU WILL THINK OF THAT.

I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY THEN.

HEART BROKEN INTO TINY PIECES

swollen eyes which results to too much crying.

i tried my best to stop my tears from flowing down.

it seems so difficult.

is something so simple.

yet you chose to do something which i dont like.

you may have your character.

but i do have my pride too.

my heart is really broken into tiny pieces.

i dont know what else to do.

im stuck.

with no directions.

its part and parcels in my life.

i had to go through it even through how many times it hits.

UTTERLY DISAPPOINTMENT!

I HAD ENOUGH OF ALL THE NONSENSE.

IM FUCKING IN A BAD MOOD THESE FEW DAYS.

AND I JUST WANT TO HAVE A NICE WEEKEND.

THINGS OFTEN GOES THE OTHER WAY ROUND.

I HAD BEEN TOLERATING WITH ALL THE MIGHT I CAN.

BUT NOW IT SEEMS LIKE I HAVE LET IT ALL OUT.

I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

EYES BEEN SWOLLEN OF ALL THE CRYING.

MIND JUST FUCKING CANT CALM DOWN.

WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DERSERVE ALL THESE SHIT?

I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND.

AM I THE ONLY WITH THE PROBLEM?

I WANT MY LIFE BACK AS BEFORE.

FLU DAYS ARE BACK

IM SICK.

down with flu and sore throat, headache too.

had been busy these few days.

meet up with Baby on the long weekend.

went to two interviews yesterday.

one called back for 2nd interview tomorrow.

hope i wont screw up.

if im selected for the job,

im afraid i have lesser time for

MY FAMILY, BABY AND FRIENDS.

but i have no other choices.

working now supporting myself is the main issue.

wish me good luck. :)

INDULGE

movie : I LOVE YOU, BETH COOPER.

Soup Restaurant for dinner. :0

Chit-chatting and Ranting Session

Baby bought me nail polishes. :)

Baby came over to lunch with me.

Loves.

I TOTALLY INDULGE MYSELF INTO EATING.

I ENJOY MYSELF THESE FEW DAYS.

NOW BABY IS BACK TO CAMP.

BUT THERE WILL BE MORE WHEN YOU ARE OUT.

:)

and NOT FORGETTING THE SUBWAY COOKIES FROM YOU.

:O

ENJOYS!

yesterday we trained down to town.

intially B wanted to have Sakura.

but i insisted not having that.

so we had an agreement.

we went to check on the movie listings.

if there is available slots, we will go ahead with it and have others for dinner.

B bought donuts, tiramisu and mango.

mango is nice. :)

in the end we couldnt get any.

we went back to queue for Sakura.

we didnt get to have that as the earliest we can get is 8pm.

we decided to give it a miss and make reservation beforehand. :)

we settled our dinner at Heeren Waruku.

shopped around.

and we went to burberry.

the bag is nice.

we made our way to shaw house.

make a trip there to the optical shop but is closed.

B had subway for supper.

subway club meal. :)

its a food feast with B. <3

enjoyable day. :)

090909 & 100909

090909

MR LIN ZI HAN POP DAY.

100909

Outing with B.

happened to realise we were wearing the same colour tone.
black top, grey bottom, white shoes.

had dinner in sukiya.

strolled down to boat quay.

clarke quay.

i enjoyed my day.

♥

TOTALLY DRAINED

had not been sleeping well these days.

stress has overcome me once again.

i just need simple understanding.

and it seems so difficult.

i tried but to no avail.

i had no other choices but to leave things this way.

im not avoiding.

im just waiting for the chance.

ENJOYED

wanted B to rest and sleep after hours of road march in the night.

but insisted that we should meet every week.

compromise on both sides.

we met.

steamboating with both his sisters.

window shopping.

ranting time for both.

bid goodbye with a seal of kiss.

ends the day on the phone saying good night.

I ENJOYED MYSELF.

ILY.

BACK ENDS

TUES: made pasta. for dinner.

ingredients. (some are not taken.) :)

serving. although is not appealing but its tastes good. :)

feels like having subway now. :)

RANDOM :)

had been so lazy to update.

to type in details.

:)

sat: pasir ris, tampines, changi, pasir ris, ang mo kio.

sun: defu lane, pasir ris, yew tee, ang mo kio.

last day of the month.

rainy day.

moody mood.

HELPLESS!

IM REALLY USELESS!

I CANT HELP B AT ALL!

REALLY HELPLESS!

CANT BE BY HIS SIDE!

THE ONLY THING I COULD NOW IS CHEER HIM ON USING TEXTS!

ROOTING FOR HIM!

SENDING TEXTS AND MMS TO HELP HIM ENDURE THIS WEEK.

THATS THE LEAST I COULD DO!

I BELIEVE HE CAN DO IT!

STRESS!

IM SCHEDULED FOR AN INTERVIEW AT 3PM.

i received the call in less than 3 hours after sending my resume over.

its so fast can, efficient.

I WILL ACCEPT THE JOB IF THE ENVIRONMENT AND BENEFITS IS GOOD.

NOT BEING FUSSY.

AS I HAD NIGHTMARE IN THOSE PLACES WITH BAD ENVIRONMENT.

hope i can pass it at one go.

i simply hates interview.

always asking the same questions.

THANKS B FOR THE SUPPORT.

BLESS ME BLESS ME BLESS ME.

SIMPLE THINGS THATS MAKE ME SMILE.

JUST A FEW HOURS OF MEET UP.

MAKES ME SMILE THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT.

I WANT MAGIC!

I WISH I HAVE MAGIC!

THEREFORE I CAN TURN LOTS OF MONEY OUT!

:)

I WANT LOTS OF STUFFS!

I WANT MAC MAKEUP BRUSHES AND PALETTE.

MAC MAKE UP KIT. :)

BOBBI BROWN LINERS.

SHISEIDO MASCARA.

AND MORE.

I WANT MORE TOPS.

THE MORE THE MERRIER.

I WANT HANDBAG.

I HAVE BEEN SAVING FOR THE BURBERRY BAG.

BUT NOW HAVE TO SAVE AGAIN.

I WANT NEW PHONE.

im using B's omnia.

OMNIA II IS NICE!

I WANT TO SAVOUR NICE GOOD FOOD AGAIN.

田鸡粥

steamboat (tomyam and kimchi soupbase)
tomyam for me, kimchi for B. :)
fast food.
drooling~

MR LIN CAN YOU FUFILL MY LAST REQUEST?

田鸡粥

LOVES!

even though its been so long, my love for you keep going strong.

i miss you like crazy.

i miss you, baby.

although we didnt managed to hear each other yesterday, but im contented with your texts.

these two nights are the most horrible one.

you only reached camp at 1plus am on monday,

yesterday you reached at 2.12am.

hope you have enough rest and dont fall sick.

i could only send you texts to cheer you on. :)

and mms to let you miss me more. =D

no matter what, i will be there for you.

accompanying you through this journey.

ILY.

"Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile."

PRESSURIZED!

im feeling so pressurized!

mum had been urging me to look for a job!

i seriously dont know what i want to work as.

in which industry!

look through the webpage but nothing interest me!

OMG! what should i do!

SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME ADVICES, PLEASE.

RAINY = MOODY

my mood changes when it comes rainy day.

feeling blue since morning.

hes back to camp yesterday.

is a full pack schedule for him this week.

keep going on.

like you always says

WE ARE WITH EACH OTHER ALWAYS EVEN THOUGH WE DONT SEE EACH OTHER.

***********************************

missing your touch

missing your hug

missing your tender kiss

missing your smile

missing your laughter

missing your voice

missing your hand holding mine

missing your carelessness

missing your shoulder for me to cry on

SIMPLY MISSING YOUR EVERTHING.

although we are meeting lesser

that doesnt means we dont care

as we have placed each other in our hearts.

i enjoy my moment with you be it a few hours.

i enjoy my dinner with even if its a simple fare.

i enjoy walking back home with you.

I LOVE YOUR COMPANY.

ITS YOU, B.

i love you lots.

FOREVER

I'll be loving you forever,

Deep inside my heart you'll leave me never,

Even if you took my heart,

And tore it apart,

I would love you still, forever,

You are the sun,

You are my light,

And you're the last thing on my mind,

Before I go to sleep at night,

You're always round,

When I'm in need,

When trouble's on my mind,

You put my soul at ease,

There is no one in this world,

Who can love me like you do,

That is the reason that I,

Wanna spend forever with you

We've had our fun,

We've made mistakes,

But who'd have guessed along that road,

We'd learn to give and take,

It's so much more than I could have dreamed,

Cause you make loving you, so easy for me,

Cause this is the world,

where lovers often go astray,

But if we love each other, we won't go that way,

So put your doubts aside,

Do what it takes to make it right,

I love you, forever, no-one can tear us apart.

*************************

theres nothing i can do now, but only to wait patiently.

i hate the emptiness and loneliness in me.

no one seems to understand the feelings.

although people may think that im complaining or such.

i dont care.

i have no one to confine in and i dont want him to worry for me in camp.

i just want to let off the stone in my chest to my blog.

im missing him badly.

although we met on friday and saturday.

time seems to pass so fast when im with you.

friday, went to fetch you even though is only a few hours,

IM REALLY HAPPY.

I LOVE YOU, HAN

tiredness.

STRESS

i dont know what am i doing now.

seriously i dont know what kind of job im interested in.

i dont want a job whereby i can only stay for 3-5 months at most and tender again.

i hate looking for jobs.

i dont like interviews at all.

i hate waiting alone in the room till the interviewers comes.

i seriously hate it.

i hates the feeling of being alone.

emptiness, loneliness.

SAD

TO WHOEVER WHO LEFT A COMMENT ON THE SHOUTOUT, I HAD ALREADY REMOVE IT. WHO YOU MAY THINK IM A LOSER, BY ALL MEANS.

I ADMIT.

IM NOT COMPLAINING! IM JUST RANTING ALL THE UNHAPPINESS INSIDE ME TO THIS BLOG OF MINE AS I HAVE NO ONE TO CONFINE IN. YOU MAY THINK IM TRYING TO FIND EXCUSES BUT IM NOT. YOU MAY NOT UNDERSTAND THE FEELINGS IM GOING THROUGH AND YOU NEED NOT UNDERSTAND. EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN PROBLEMS TO THEIR LIFE. IM REALLY DISAPPOINTED TO SEE THESE KIND OF COMMENTS IN MY BLOG.

ENJOYABLE DAYS WITH YOU

8/8/09
celebrated Baby 21st birthday. brought baby to crystal jade for lunch. ordered dim sum, 2 different flavours porridge and B's hongkong zhar jiang mian. while eating, auntie(B's mum) called and asked me to join them for dinner at night. i was so undecisive and told her i will confirm with her later. bused back my place, talked to baby for very long, and he wanted me to join him and his family for dinner. i agreed and we bused back together to his place. everyone was deciding where to go for dinner. after long discussion they decided to go to changi village for seafood feast. they ordered lots of seafood and we are enjoying our food with laughter and small talks. sis took a couple of pictures before leaving. got a lift from uncle(B's dad) and alighted us at B's place and home sweet home.
9/8/09
Baby accompanied us for breakfast and grocceries shopping. :) bought B packet milo to bring to camp. took a nap and we went down to mama shop to buy chips and slack at the viod deck. B suggested having pizza or kfc for dinner. we discussed and is set on pizza. made our order online and waited for 1 and half hour. savour our pizza and B had to finish it all as we had our fill. had small talk with B before he leave. chatted with him on the phone throughout his ride back home. wanted to wait for him to finish packing his bagpack, but i fell asleep instead. >.<

10/8/09

called B when i woke up. wash up, make up and went to the hawker for breakfast with sis. bused down to elias mall and accompanied B for his haircut. reached his place and saw his gigantic bagpack and its heavy. had lunch with his parents, small talks and fruits. made baby to put on hydrating mask before he prepared himself to get changed. he wore his uniform and looked totally different. auntie cut honeydew for B before we set off to yew tee point. uncle drove us there and B fell asleep. we had subway for dinner. we enjoyed our sandwiches and cookies. even though its a simple fare but we enjoy each other company. after dinner, its time for B to get prepared to book in. i accompanied him through one traffic light and two blocks. we decided to part halfway as B is afraid i had to go walk back alone in the dark. i requested seeing him walking till i lost sight of him. B turned back as i was standing there crying. B told me not to worry and he will be out very soon. the very first time, seeing his back walking into the dark and i had to walk alone towards his opposite direction. i wasnt able to give him a hug to bid him goodbye or hold his hands to tell him not to worry. we had quite a long talk after his book in.

today, he texted me something which brighten my day up. thanks, baby. like what you said, theres no comparison in any relationship as long as we both LOVE, CHERISH AND ENJOY EACH OTHER COMPANY.

CONFUSED AND SAD

i was so happy in the afternoon at 1plus when i received your text. telling me you are back from your outfield training. after your third replied text, nothing came from you again. i was pacing up and down. my phone is dead, dont really know is my eyes playing tricks on me again or did you really text me. sigh* had spagetti for dinner, am so full, feeling so unwell. cant concentrate on anything. you said you will be out today!

IS HAS BEEN 31 DAYS!

HOW MUCH LONGER MUST I WAIT!

IS IT TOO MUCH!

ENDURANCE REALLY DO HAVE LIMITS!

im not sure of myself too. seeing people get to meet up but i dont get to. they are always telling me to be more accommodating, but they are not in my shoes they dont really know it feels. is awful! why am i always the one waiting and i dont get any fruitful labor?

TIRED

woke up on and off in the night, didnt really slept well. prepared myself and have my make up done. its been a long time since i put on make up, wasnt really comfortable with it. went out at 12 plus, trained to bugis. went to the temple to pray. followed up is shopping time. walked around bugis street, nothing caught my attention, over to parco instead. went charles and keith, there isnt much choices of flat pumps, so i left the shop. again, to my usual patron shop, mutiji, bought a pair of sharp pointed black pumps. made payment and left the shoes for expansion on the top. walk around looking for B's present. got into my neighbour working place, and asked his advices and decided to get that for baby. bought marshmallow from muji, all time favourite. back to collect my pumps and at this time my phone went haywire. totally react slow and cant do anything to it. on and off the phone numerous time. bused back from suntec, bought grocceries from fairprice. on the way back, bought chicken wings, egg tart and carrot cake from crystal jade as i didnt take my lunch and my stomach is growling non stop. bused back home, ate the food and exchange my sis spare phone battery. hope it wont give me any more problems. i dont want to update the software through the web as the texts cant be transferred to my SIM card. although saving all the texts into the SIM card seems foolish but its very meaningful to me, i had to bear the pain when i went to service my screen months ago and didnt manage to back up anything. i couldnt bear to do it this time round. when i was trying to send files from my phone, i received baby's text. i tried to open up but to no avail. i changed my SIM card to another phone is still the same. is my eyes playing tricks on me?

I WANT TO SEE HIM SOON.

missing him real bad.

cam-whoring before heading out. :)

MIXED FEELINGS

i started thinking what am i going to do next. dilemma. i dont know what kind of life am i expecting and what should i do to make my life more fufilling. these questions had been popping in my mind for days, but somehow i cant find an answer to it. sometimes, these problems really stressed me out. i couldnt get to sleep, SERIOUS INSONMIA. woke up in the morning, always staring blank infront of my laptop doing nothing. wanted to find someone to talk to but it seems so difficult. my life seems to have changed drastically. i just want something peace and fulfilling. is it too much to ask for?

PISSED!

FUCKING PISSED OFF! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE! FUCK OFF! ALL BEACUSE OF YOU FUCKING BASTARD, IM BEING RANTED THE WHOLE NIGHT! JUST FUCKING GET OFF MY SIGHT! IDIOTIC FUCKER!

WHAT DOES MY FACIAL EXPRESSION CONCERN YOU!

MY EXPRESSION IS ALWAYS A BLACK FACE.

IF YOU FUCKING DONT LIKE, THEN YOU FUCKING DONT SEE.

NO ONE ASKED YOU TO LOOK AT ME.

ONLY KNOW HOW TO ORDER PEOPLE TO DO THIS AND THAT!

YOU FUCKING SO CLEVER YOU CAN FUCKING DO IT YOURSELF.

DONT THINK YOU CAN CLIMB OVER MY HEAD AND MESS AROUND WITH ME!

YOU FUCKING THINK YOU CAN MESS MY LIFE UP!

YOU FUCKING WISHFUL THINKING!

DONT THINK YOU CAN FUCKING INFLUENCE ME!

YOU BLOODY IDIOTIC FUCKER!

DONT TRY TO PUSH YOUR LUCK!

I WONT FUCKING STAND ON CEREMONY RECITING THE THREE WORDS HOKKIEN IDIOMS.

ONE BY ONE!

RANDOM day

woke up at 6.30am, prepared myself over to the opposite park to have my morning jog and brisk walking. my stamina is really getting worse. couldnt really jog more rounds as before. brought blackcurrant with aloe vera and apple with aloe vera fruit juice. :) it tastes sweet, but after a few mouthful, is quite appetitizing. bought mushroom shredded chicken noodles home for breakfast. reached home kinda late today, mum had left for work. usual routine. looked through website for jobs. but none is really suitable. try my luck again tomorrow. no matter what, secure a job at the moment is my top priority. doesnt feel good without money by my side. :)

i seems to get used without having his texts and calls, BUT i want to see him soon.

MISSING YOU

missing you lots.

YAWNESS DAY

getting serious insonmia. had not been sleeping well these days, especially last night i slept for an hour. theres so many things in my mind, simply cant empty and go to sleep. woke up at 5.50am today. lying on my bed till sis wake me up. but could help it anymore, wash up and get myself prepared to the opposite park. daddy and mummy insisted that i should start from fast brisk walking first, as i still feel tightness in my stomach. brought my nano along, listening to songs to keep myself occupied. had 6 and half round of fast brisk walking. over to the hawker to get my breakfast. im just that unlucky mostly the food i wanted to have are closed. walked over to the coffeeshop near my place and get it. reached home and mummy is about to leave for work. my leg is painful when i took off the jogging shoes, just brisk walking alone. >.<

received text from B at 5am. didnt feel the vibration on the phone and couldnt reply him on time. we cant keep in contact for 8 days which is till next friday. he is having his outfield training today, the first day. hope he can endure all the way, and take his medicine on time. :) 我会尊守我和你的约定. no matter how unbearable is it, i will endure till the end. i cant afford to lose.

:)

HAPPY 9TH MONTH, BABY

i received your text early in the morning at 5.27am. im glad you still remember as you have lost track of the date in camp.

thank you for your understanding.

i shall be waiting for your bookout next friday.

without your calls or texts for 8 days.

♥

remember the promise we made.

♥

EMOTIONAL DAY

feeling kinda emo when i woke up. alone in the house again. i hates the feeling of being alone ever since im down with sickness. taken my breakfast, with the notebook again, this time im staring at it, wrote an email to B and with teary eyes. pour my unhappiness into an email to him but he will only see it when he book out. im missing him so badly, i had not seen him for 21 days. i wish to see him in another 10 days time. was feeling so down, wanted to find someone to talk to, but i cant find any. everyone is busy with school and work. staring at the screen with teary eyes again.

i have so many troubles that are unnecessary. i have to break them up and stand on my feet again. i have to DO IT in order to have my sickness cured. firstly i have to cure my phobia in my previous job environment that irks me off working there. second got to set my goals. third exercise more and have balanced diet like im having now. to destress myself from having anxiety again. only now i realise i get stressed up so easily due to my sickness. i want to recover and be back the cheerful and talkative me. had not been talking much lately. i want to thank two friends of mine giving me so much advices. thank you. am feeling much better.

just received B's call not long ago, but only managed to talk to him for 2mins39sec and two replied texts. you are lucky that you remember tomorrow. if not i will not forgive you. ♥ 很想对你说我好想你! take lots of care in 8 days camp, BABY!

???

the reports shows everything is fine in me. nothing wrong. but why do i still feel like this? is it too stress? i hope the increase of dosage in medication helps and ends all the tormenting inside me, please. GOD PLEASE BLESS ME AGAIN.

JITTERS

im going to collect my report real soon. jitters crawling over me. nausea as per usual. i dont like the feeling. argh! feel like crying again. INSONMIA IS KILLING ME! i had not really spoken more than 5 sentences since i woke up at 10am. its seems to be my habit. GOD PLEASE BLESS ME.

STOP PLEASE

IM SO CONFUSED OF MYSELF NOW. on and off i feel nausea and gastric cramps. taken the medicine doesnt seems to have any effect and i have unexplainable feeling in my stomach. why is this happening? im so sick of it. the feeling is too tormenting for me. i had endure this for more than a month, why isnt there any improvement in me? im so scared that it might have other causes. throughout this period, i had not seen myself smiling or laughing or on a happy mood. everyday to me is so tormenting, with false smile, acting to be strong, tears and getting slimmer by days. i just want to my health back, my smile back, and the happy go lucky me back. everyone had been saying i changed during this period. had not really been talking, doing the things i like or being my usual self. always facing the notebook or staring at it and will lock myself in the room the whole day except meals time. IM LOST, I NEED TO BRING MYSELF BACK, BUT IT SEEMS TO BE DIFFICULT. and tomorrow will be the day of my report from the doctor. GOD BLESS ME. I DONT WANT ANY MORE SICKNESS. PLEASE.

DEPRESSED!

i doesnt know what im doing now! simply messed up relation. is it purely my fault? i do think of your feelings, but who think of my feelings? understanding doesnt need to spell out all the time. i changed? because of my illness? then did you ever spare a thought for me? i had been sick for so long, i didnt want it too. on and off nausea, is not that fun. i also wanted to go out to do shopping and chit chat session with friends. but HOW DO I GO? NAUSEA IS KILLING ME! can you think of how im feeling first before you said i didnt spare a thought for you. yours can be cure, but mine is following me LIFETIME. will never know when it will come back to you. im totally disappointed. who can i pour my unhappiness to? all these while i had been shouldering all myself, bringing a strong front towards others to show that im fine. truth is im not well at all, discomfort times i can only endure it myself. you dont even know how i endure all my unhappiness and discomfort times alone. im really very tired of repeating myself to you anymore. just take it that im unreasonable or anything you think im. it doesnt matter to me anymore. IM ALL ALONE ALWAYS. I CAN HANDLE ALL OF IT BY MYSELF. you said all of a sudden i behave like this, its because you only care about yourself, not me. you are always saying you care, but deep inside you only worried about not able to go out and stuffs. then what about me? all my waiting had gone to waste. i thought it was my fault but come to think its not totally me. i had already thought it over to wait for another 2 weeks, but you keep emphaising this weekend and stuffs will make me even worse. PLEASE SPARE A THOUGHT FOR ME. i dont know what will happened to me, when i collect my report on tuesday. spare me from agony please. *not trying to pin point on anything.

A BIG BLOW TO ME!

baby, im not blaming you, if you happened to read this post. i just find it hard to hear from you that this thing happened to you. you had been trying ways and means to fight through this coming sat, but now is gone. i just cant accept the fact. i had been trying my very best not to think about the days and stuffs and finally this coming sat which i looked forward to so much. now everything has to start from scratch again. another 2 weeks more. which makes up to 1 month and 2 days or might be longer. i need sometime to accept it, im sorry. the first few days was the worst to go through, wasnt feeling well and was struggling too. had my thoughts sort out and was still able to pass through each day. i dont know whether can i still carry on my life like this. its too tormenting for me. others can do it, but not me. everyone has different endurance and tolerance limits. mine has somehow meet the end of point. always stuggling through each day, always acting nonchalant, acting a strong front, im tired, really tired. can i put an end to this?

UNPREDICTABLE MOOD SWINGS

what happened to me? fancy getting pissed off and having attitude problem to a sick person! did i took the wrong pill? my life is so fucking messed up! i hate my life! why is my life so fucking messed up? why? why? why? WHERE HAVE MY ENDURANCE GONE TO? my endurance has meet the end of point. im sorry to say that. tolerance seems to run away from me. im such a failure in ALL ASPECTS. my health, my career, my studies, my relationship, my life. is it going down the drain? i dont want to end like this. i still have lots of things which i have not accomplish yet. hais, its all coming to me at one shot. GOD, PLEASE PULL ME OUT OF THIS MISERY, IT IS TORMENTING.

WHY?

I SERIOUSLY DOESNT KNOW WHAT I WANT IN LIFE!

im always hoping for something simple yet is difficult to attain it.

HELPING OUT BUT SOMEHOW IS NOT APPRECIATED.

always on a weak condition in every aspects.

LIFE SEEMS LIFELESS AND RESTLESS TO ME NOW!!!

I HATE MY LIFE!

NOT STRONG ENOUGH.

my mind keep having thoughts with questions from the previous post. i cant help it. you had been a very good listening ears to me. i tell you everything that troubles me and you will even let me vent my frustrations on you without blaming me. i really apreciate it, but my standing now is i cant even tell anyone whats troubling me and my problems. when you called me, we can only talk for about 5 mins the least, and with the things you did the whole day. i cant really tell you anything, stuffing all the things with myself, not letting you worry about me with your tough training inside. friday i really did something very regretful. i actually told you i dont know how long can i endure, your voice changed after hearing that. the text you sent me didnt even mentioned anything regarding that. yesterday, i heard you coughing non stop on the phone and you still want to hang on with your training without letting your officer know, and you told me you will ***. i dont like you saying things like that, nothing will happen. this time is my turn to say, PLEASE BELIEVE ME, EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. sorry for the words that shouldnt be saying to you, that demoralise you. i realise my mistake, will be waiting and supporting you throughout this road of difficult journey, like how you accompany me through the days when im sick, with you accompanying me to the clinic and hospital. :)

DOUBTING MY ABILITY TOWARDS WAITING

tonight i had the longest chat with you, b. over the phone, i keep prompting myself to you, HOW MUCH LONGER CAN I ENDURE? after the bad news came from you. i seriously asked myself, how long can i really endure? can i really walk through this with you? can i do it? can i sleep soundly without waiting for your call/text? can i supress myself not to think about you? can i really wait till your book out day? can i ignore all these? can i dont look through those emails you sent to me? can i dont keep looking at my phone? CAN I? CAN I? CAN I? u returned me a question asking me, what will i do? i really dont know how to reply you. i know you are suffering inside, but im too. do you know that i had been shouldering all my problems and afraidness myself that i have no one to talk to. i told you before that i hate to wait. even waiting at the control station more than 5 hours is my maximum. be it waiting for you for more than 7 days, including waiting for the calls, getting insomnia. maybe is time for me not to think about you so much, and get my feet up to get my health back in pink and think of my future. i will put aside all your stuffs and prepare myself towards my goals and those unaccomplish stuffs.

AFRAID

tomorrow will be the gastroscopy day. im really scare. im afraid the results will be bad. this problem had been in my mind for days. im really scare. had been supressing myself not to think about it, but doesnt seems to help. insomnia for days. not feeling really well now, gastric is like prickly pain. been sick for a month. hope all ends tomorrow after the scope, and im able to get some medication to ease the uneasiness. :( GOD PLEASE BLESS ME.

TIRED OF ALL!

LZH, im really tired of waiting for your call. once received, is just a 1min39sec call, yesterday night was just a text and your phone is off.:( maybe the habit of talking to you on phone had turn into my daily routine really hard to change it back. practically i had nothing to do at home. woke up, on com, stare blank. i cant do anything at all. just images of those unneccessary floating in my mind. im really at a lost. i dont know what should i do. missing leads in life.

MISSING PIECE

B, you had gone in for almost 2 days. missing missing you. no one to talk to when im bored. miss our saturday out with you. only managed to talk for about 5 mins last night. hope everything is fine there and you have to endure with all the training, although its tough, but still got to hang on. Alrights? MISS YOU BADLY. LEFT WITH 12 DAYS SOON. cant wait to see you.

SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME!

tuesday, B came over early in the morning to accompany me to TTSH to consult the specialist of my illness. had been sick almost a month. called up to make an appointment in the clinic. was schedule at 2.20pm. daddy and mummy came back from work to accompany me there too. reached TTSH, was feeling so weak as the nurse and appointment clerk gave me a wheelchair to sit on. waited for quite long and finally is my turn to see the doctor. after consulting, i had to go through gastroscopy, CT scan, and the doctor heard noises in my heart which is not normal in my age. she quickly helped me to arranged to see the cardiologist. went to the cardiologist and had my ECG done. waited for my turn to consult. the specialist also heard nosies in my heart using the stethoscope. he advised me to go for the radiology to see the heart and the noises in it. went back to the gastro specialist and was asked to have my blood test. collected my medicine and went to have my appointment done for the the scope. left and make payment which cost around 600plus.

wednesday, went to TTSH for radiology for my heart, was so anxious as i dont know what will they do. it was painless and i was shivering as the air condition is so low over there. after 30 mins, i came out and mummy was waiting for me outside. mummy accompanied me to the CT scan place, the place is so posh. made payment and was asked to wait. was asked to drink a bottle of fluid before the scan, the fluid was so hard to swallow, it tastes awful. i took a very long time to finish it. finished the bottle of fluid and was accompanied by the nurse to a room, she injected a needle to my vein, was so painful, the nurse kept talking to me and turn my attention to elsewhere. i asked her alot of questions before its ready to start the scan. i cant bend my hand and elbow, the needle is injected in between, lie on the scan bed and another fluid was injected into the area of my vein. my whole body was so warm in the scan bed after the fluid flowed into my body. the scan took about 10-15mins. my hand was so painful when the needle was taken out. get changed and payment for the day cost mummy 1.3k.

just got my report for my heart condition. everything is fine, thank GOD. the specialist told me not to worry as i was so anxious. but there is one more battle to go through, which is on next thursday, gastroscopy. im scared! hope everything will be fine. GOD bless me.

BABY, DONT WORRY ABOUT ME IN CAMP, I WILL BE FINE LIKE YOU ALWAYS SAID.

Independence

i have got be to back the old vanessa, the independent one. had been relying on LZH too much. he will be going for his national service. will be meeting lesser as time passes. got to quickly find a job then will be the time i wont miss him that much and concentrate on my job. ~>.<~ feels kind of moodless as it only left with the remaining 7 days, and will soon reach his enlistment date. without his texts and calls everyday seems bored then. :(

happy and fun day

its the 8 month, LZH.

met LZH, and we cant decide where to go. finally we decided to head down to bugis, to buy shoes as the shoes im wearing seems like is going to spoilt any time. ZH showed me how to reduce stress in his ipod, seems like im doing most of it but no cure, will continue to try it. :) reached bugis, went charles and keith but none of the shoes there caught my attention, followed by mutji, saw a pair of shoes that can really match my dress code asked for sizes but there is none for the size requested, tried a few others but still doesnt really match and decided to look around for others. ZH bought a cap, nice, but i still prefer u without cap, but no choice to cover yourself with it after your haircut. :) over to bugis street, found a pumps to my liking, unexpectedly the price is so reasonable and bought it. had dinner at a chinese restaurant, ordered zar jiang ramen, ginseng chicken soup ramen, xiao long tang bao, osmantha tea and ice lemon tea. i like the soup of the ginseng chicken. simply sweet and doesnt really have the strong taste of the ginseng. price is reasonable as the ramen is handmade and you can see the chef making it on the spot. is 8 plus after our dinner, had our photos developed into wallet size and get facial wash for ZH and over to suntec at 9 plus. when we reached suntec mostly all the shops are closed. went to carrefour to buy lock and mineral water. hurried and get the stuffs as it seems like closing too. wanted to get the tea we drank at the restaurant as it has the remedy to relieve anxiety and gastric problems but is closed when we got there. would like to get it and hope it will cure my gastric problems. trained back and ZH bought strawberry red tea bubble tea, taste unique and has bits of strawberries. accompany me home and home sweet home for LZH. thanks B for the lotion and photos.

TIRED out!

bid goodbye to the horrible environment. thanks for the concern regarding my health, and thanks for the lunch treat. :) been feeling better these few days. totally feel dead today. handover is such a tiring task! i would rather be the one learning instead of teaching. had been talking almost the whole day, demostrating how to do the reports, where are the forms located, what to do daily, weekly and monthly. the guy taking over me seems a nice chap, hope he is able to absorb everything in a day. IM NOW A FREELOADER AT HOME! have to find and get a job soon. this time round i will find a job related to my studies and must be able to stay longer than half a year, no more 3 months to 4 months experience in each company. NO MORE!.

4 days of MC le. i want to recover! its tormenting! i had no appetite and i had to eat in order to take my medicine. tired out, the gastric is killing me. i want to recover! just came back from the doctor again, his advice was to quit the job as i dont know when i will have stress and will work up the gastric problem again. :( i cant even rest on my mc given to me. called me up and ask me how to do the the report. frankly speaking, i had enough of the environment. the people there are not as nice as they seems to be. always get bullied as im the only admin and the youngest one. treat you nice when they need your help, hypocrites! should get ready and find a new job. have to eat my medicine soon. :(

SICK again!

had not been feeling well due to gastric again. the feeling is so awful. vomited. :( feeling slightly better now. thanks LZH for accompanying me once again, and not able to go out to shop for presents. sorry. >,<~ and had the same dinner with me, porridge. the first time i get so awful with the sickness. feels like dying. :( hope i can recover in time.

shoppping day!

had been so stressed up recently regarding about my work. finally its SATURDAY! met LZH and had macdonald treat from him. trained down to bugis for shopping! bought a black skinny pants for myself, LZH bought a T-shirt. followed up by aijisen ramen, LZH had clams set meal ramen with carniflornia(dont really know the word well)maki roll, white fish and green tea, while i had volcano ramen with carniflornia maki and green tea. the ramen is spicy and it tastes really well. thanks, LZH for the treat. :) went over to suntec to crocodile shop for polo-tee. LZH tried couple of sizes and colours. but got a green base with pink stripes polo. looks good on him.:)

hope you like the polo tee, LZH.:)

swollen feet

the swollen feet started 3 days ago with a small mosquito bite size. yesterday, it became very swollen and itchy, cant even wear my shoes or slip on heels. wore slipper to work and wear super causal. went to main office with the attire makes me feel so awkward with so many people wearing formal wear. talked to my brother there told him to fasten up the documents and i can leave there as soon as poosible. he asked me to lunch with him at bugis, but i still have alot of stuffs not complete yet, i cant decide, in the end he called me to go back and eat with my colleagues. on the way out, the sky became very dark, when i reached the bus stop it started pouring so heavily, i didnt brought any umbrella along. when i got in the bus, i was thinking how to walk back to office without shelter, pass through lavender and its not raining at all. i alighted and wanted to pack my lunch back, started pouring again. no choice got to wait for the rain to stop at the bus stop, called all my colleagues no one picked up my call, luckily theres one colleague she came out and saw me sitting there and wave the umbrella up and fetch me with an umbrella and went to pack lunch back. left workplace at 5.15pm, LZH came and fetch me and accompany me to the doctor. the doctor was a replacement. i talked to him he didnt even answered me and keep writing the medicine to give me and didnt tell me which food should i abstain from and how do i apply the cream. after the consultantion, we had chicken rice which i love alot and the queue is so long. after eating, ate guava bought by LZH. he will always buy that whenever he come over to fetch me. my feet is so painful and itchy, i kept scratching him as i cant scratch on the affected area. THANKS, LZH ONCE AGAIN. :)

the first time with so many medicine and i had to eat and with drowsiness content. :(