MISSING YOU

missing you lots.

YAWNESS DAY

getting serious insonmia. had not been sleeping well these days, especially last night i slept for an hour. theres so many things in my mind, simply cant empty and go to sleep. woke up at 5.50am today. lying on my bed till sis wake me up. but could help it anymore, wash up and get myself prepared to the opposite park. daddy and mummy insisted that i should start from fast brisk walking first, as i still feel tightness in my stomach. brought my nano along, listening to songs to keep myself occupied. had 6 and half round of fast brisk walking. over to the hawker to get my breakfast. im just that unlucky mostly the food i wanted to have are closed. walked over to the coffeeshop near my place and get it. reached home and mummy is about to leave for work. my leg is painful when i took off the jogging shoes, just brisk walking alone. >.<

received text from B at 5am. didnt feel the vibration on the phone and couldnt reply him on time. we cant keep in contact for 8 days which is till next friday. he is having his outfield training today, the first day. hope he can endure all the way, and take his medicine on time. :) 我会尊守我和你的约定. no matter how unbearable is it, i will endure till the end. i cant afford to lose.

:)

HAPPY 9TH MONTH, BABY

i received your text early in the morning at 5.27am. im glad you still remember as you have lost track of the date in camp.

thank you for your understanding.

i shall be waiting for your bookout next friday.

without your calls or texts for 8 days.

♥

remember the promise we made.

♥

EMOTIONAL DAY

feeling kinda emo when i woke up. alone in the house again. i hates the feeling of being alone ever since im down with sickness. taken my breakfast, with the notebook again, this time im staring at it, wrote an email to B and with teary eyes. pour my unhappiness into an email to him but he will only see it when he book out. im missing him so badly, i had not seen him for 21 days. i wish to see him in another 10 days time. was feeling so down, wanted to find someone to talk to, but i cant find any. everyone is busy with school and work. staring at the screen with teary eyes again.

i have so many troubles that are unnecessary. i have to break them up and stand on my feet again. i have to DO IT in order to have my sickness cured. firstly i have to cure my phobia in my previous job environment that irks me off working there. second got to set my goals. third exercise more and have balanced diet like im having now. to destress myself from having anxiety again. only now i realise i get stressed up so easily due to my sickness. i want to recover and be back the cheerful and talkative me. had not been talking much lately. i want to thank two friends of mine giving me so much advices. thank you. am feeling much better.

just received B's call not long ago, but only managed to talk to him for 2mins39sec and two replied texts. you are lucky that you remember tomorrow. if not i will not forgive you. ♥ 很想对你说我好想你! take lots of care in 8 days camp, BABY!

???

the reports shows everything is fine in me. nothing wrong. but why do i still feel like this? is it too stress? i hope the increase of dosage in medication helps and ends all the tormenting inside me, please. GOD PLEASE BLESS ME AGAIN.

JITTERS

im going to collect my report real soon. jitters crawling over me. nausea as per usual. i dont like the feeling. argh! feel like crying again. INSONMIA IS KILLING ME! i had not really spoken more than 5 sentences since i woke up at 10am. its seems to be my habit. GOD PLEASE BLESS ME.

STOP PLEASE

IM SO CONFUSED OF MYSELF NOW. on and off i feel nausea and gastric cramps. taken the medicine doesnt seems to have any effect and i have unexplainable feeling in my stomach. why is this happening? im so sick of it. the feeling is too tormenting for me. i had endure this for more than a month, why isnt there any improvement in me? im so scared that it might have other causes. throughout this period, i had not seen myself smiling or laughing or on a happy mood. everyday to me is so tormenting, with false smile, acting to be strong, tears and getting slimmer by days. i just want to my health back, my smile back, and the happy go lucky me back. everyone had been saying i changed during this period. had not really been talking, doing the things i like or being my usual self. always facing the notebook or staring at it and will lock myself in the room the whole day except meals time. IM LOST, I NEED TO BRING MYSELF BACK, BUT IT SEEMS TO BE DIFFICULT. and tomorrow will be the day of my report from the doctor. GOD BLESS ME. I DONT WANT ANY MORE SICKNESS. PLEASE.

DEPRESSED!

i doesnt know what im doing now! simply messed up relation. is it purely my fault? i do think of your feelings, but who think of my feelings? understanding doesnt need to spell out all the time. i changed? because of my illness? then did you ever spare a thought for me? i had been sick for so long, i didnt want it too. on and off nausea, is not that fun. i also wanted to go out to do shopping and chit chat session with friends. but HOW DO I GO? NAUSEA IS KILLING ME! can you think of how im feeling first before you said i didnt spare a thought for you. yours can be cure, but mine is following me LIFETIME. will never know when it will come back to you. im totally disappointed. who can i pour my unhappiness to? all these while i had been shouldering all myself, bringing a strong front towards others to show that im fine. truth is im not well at all, discomfort times i can only endure it myself. you dont even know how i endure all my unhappiness and discomfort times alone. im really very tired of repeating myself to you anymore. just take it that im unreasonable or anything you think im. it doesnt matter to me anymore. IM ALL ALONE ALWAYS. I CAN HANDLE ALL OF IT BY MYSELF. you said all of a sudden i behave like this, its because you only care about yourself, not me. you are always saying you care, but deep inside you only worried about not able to go out and stuffs. then what about me? all my waiting had gone to waste. i thought it was my fault but come to think its not totally me. i had already thought it over to wait for another 2 weeks, but you keep emphaising this weekend and stuffs will make me even worse. PLEASE SPARE A THOUGHT FOR ME. i dont know what will happened to me, when i collect my report on tuesday. spare me from agony please. *not trying to pin point on anything.

A BIG BLOW TO ME!

baby, im not blaming you, if you happened to read this post. i just find it hard to hear from you that this thing happened to you. you had been trying ways and means to fight through this coming sat, but now is gone. i just cant accept the fact. i had been trying my very best not to think about the days and stuffs and finally this coming sat which i looked forward to so much. now everything has to start from scratch again. another 2 weeks more. which makes up to 1 month and 2 days or might be longer. i need sometime to accept it, im sorry. the first few days was the worst to go through, wasnt feeling well and was struggling too. had my thoughts sort out and was still able to pass through each day. i dont know whether can i still carry on my life like this. its too tormenting for me. others can do it, but not me. everyone has different endurance and tolerance limits. mine has somehow meet the end of point. always stuggling through each day, always acting nonchalant, acting a strong front, im tired, really tired. can i put an end to this?

UNPREDICTABLE MOOD SWINGS

what happened to me? fancy getting pissed off and having attitude problem to a sick person! did i took the wrong pill? my life is so fucking messed up! i hate my life! why is my life so fucking messed up? why? why? why? WHERE HAVE MY ENDURANCE GONE TO? my endurance has meet the end of point. im sorry to say that. tolerance seems to run away from me. im such a failure in ALL ASPECTS. my health, my career, my studies, my relationship, my life. is it going down the drain? i dont want to end like this. i still have lots of things which i have not accomplish yet. hais, its all coming to me at one shot. GOD, PLEASE PULL ME OUT OF THIS MISERY, IT IS TORMENTING.

WHY?

I SERIOUSLY DOESNT KNOW WHAT I WANT IN LIFE!

im always hoping for something simple yet is difficult to attain it.

HELPING OUT BUT SOMEHOW IS NOT APPRECIATED.

always on a weak condition in every aspects.

LIFE SEEMS LIFELESS AND RESTLESS TO ME NOW!!!

I HATE MY LIFE!

NOT STRONG ENOUGH.

my mind keep having thoughts with questions from the previous post. i cant help it. you had been a very good listening ears to me. i tell you everything that troubles me and you will even let me vent my frustrations on you without blaming me. i really apreciate it, but my standing now is i cant even tell anyone whats troubling me and my problems. when you called me, we can only talk for about 5 mins the least, and with the things you did the whole day. i cant really tell you anything, stuffing all the things with myself, not letting you worry about me with your tough training inside. friday i really did something very regretful. i actually told you i dont know how long can i endure, your voice changed after hearing that. the text you sent me didnt even mentioned anything regarding that. yesterday, i heard you coughing non stop on the phone and you still want to hang on with your training without letting your officer know, and you told me you will ***. i dont like you saying things like that, nothing will happen. this time is my turn to say, PLEASE BELIEVE ME, EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. sorry for the words that shouldnt be saying to you, that demoralise you. i realise my mistake, will be waiting and supporting you throughout this road of difficult journey, like how you accompany me through the days when im sick, with you accompanying me to the clinic and hospital. :)

DOUBTING MY ABILITY TOWARDS WAITING

tonight i had the longest chat with you, b. over the phone, i keep prompting myself to you, HOW MUCH LONGER CAN I ENDURE? after the bad news came from you. i seriously asked myself, how long can i really endure? can i really walk through this with you? can i do it? can i sleep soundly without waiting for your call/text? can i supress myself not to think about you? can i really wait till your book out day? can i ignore all these? can i dont look through those emails you sent to me? can i dont keep looking at my phone? CAN I? CAN I? CAN I? u returned me a question asking me, what will i do? i really dont know how to reply you. i know you are suffering inside, but im too. do you know that i had been shouldering all my problems and afraidness myself that i have no one to talk to. i told you before that i hate to wait. even waiting at the control station more than 5 hours is my maximum. be it waiting for you for more than 7 days, including waiting for the calls, getting insomnia. maybe is time for me not to think about you so much, and get my feet up to get my health back in pink and think of my future. i will put aside all your stuffs and prepare myself towards my goals and those unaccomplish stuffs.

AFRAID

tomorrow will be the gastroscopy day. im really scare. im afraid the results will be bad. this problem had been in my mind for days. im really scare. had been supressing myself not to think about it, but doesnt seems to help. insomnia for days. not feeling really well now, gastric is like prickly pain. been sick for a month. hope all ends tomorrow after the scope, and im able to get some medication to ease the uneasiness. :( GOD PLEASE BLESS ME.

TIRED OF ALL!

LZH, im really tired of waiting for your call. once received, is just a 1min39sec call, yesterday night was just a text and your phone is off.:( maybe the habit of talking to you on phone had turn into my daily routine really hard to change it back. practically i had nothing to do at home. woke up, on com, stare blank. i cant do anything at all. just images of those unneccessary floating in my mind. im really at a lost. i dont know what should i do. missing leads in life.

MISSING PIECE

B, you had gone in for almost 2 days. missing missing you. no one to talk to when im bored. miss our saturday out with you. only managed to talk for about 5 mins last night. hope everything is fine there and you have to endure with all the training, although its tough, but still got to hang on. Alrights? MISS YOU BADLY. LEFT WITH 12 DAYS SOON. cant wait to see you.

SCARE THE HELL OUT OF ME!

tuesday, B came over early in the morning to accompany me to TTSH to consult the specialist of my illness. had been sick almost a month. called up to make an appointment in the clinic. was schedule at 2.20pm. daddy and mummy came back from work to accompany me there too. reached TTSH, was feeling so weak as the nurse and appointment clerk gave me a wheelchair to sit on. waited for quite long and finally is my turn to see the doctor. after consulting, i had to go through gastroscopy, CT scan, and the doctor heard noises in my heart which is not normal in my age. she quickly helped me to arranged to see the cardiologist. went to the cardiologist and had my ECG done. waited for my turn to consult. the specialist also heard nosies in my heart using the stethoscope. he advised me to go for the radiology to see the heart and the noises in it. went back to the gastro specialist and was asked to have my blood test. collected my medicine and went to have my appointment done for the the scope. left and make payment which cost around 600plus.

wednesday, went to TTSH for radiology for my heart, was so anxious as i dont know what will they do. it was painless and i was shivering as the air condition is so low over there. after 30 mins, i came out and mummy was waiting for me outside. mummy accompanied me to the CT scan place, the place is so posh. made payment and was asked to wait. was asked to drink a bottle of fluid before the scan, the fluid was so hard to swallow, it tastes awful. i took a very long time to finish it. finished the bottle of fluid and was accompanied by the nurse to a room, she injected a needle to my vein, was so painful, the nurse kept talking to me and turn my attention to elsewhere. i asked her alot of questions before its ready to start the scan. i cant bend my hand and elbow, the needle is injected in between, lie on the scan bed and another fluid was injected into the area of my vein. my whole body was so warm in the scan bed after the fluid flowed into my body. the scan took about 10-15mins. my hand was so painful when the needle was taken out. get changed and payment for the day cost mummy 1.3k.

just got my report for my heart condition. everything is fine, thank GOD. the specialist told me not to worry as i was so anxious. but there is one more battle to go through, which is on next thursday, gastroscopy. im scared! hope everything will be fine. GOD bless me.

BABY, DONT WORRY ABOUT ME IN CAMP, I WILL BE FINE LIKE YOU ALWAYS SAID.

Independence

i have got be to back the old vanessa, the independent one. had been relying on LZH too much. he will be going for his national service. will be meeting lesser as time passes. got to quickly find a job then will be the time i wont miss him that much and concentrate on my job. ~>.<~ feels kind of moodless as it only left with the remaining 7 days, and will soon reach his enlistment date. without his texts and calls everyday seems bored then. :(

happy and fun day

its the 8 month, LZH.

met LZH, and we cant decide where to go. finally we decided to head down to bugis, to buy shoes as the shoes im wearing seems like is going to spoilt any time. ZH showed me how to reduce stress in his ipod, seems like im doing most of it but no cure, will continue to try it. :) reached bugis, went charles and keith but none of the shoes there caught my attention, followed by mutji, saw a pair of shoes that can really match my dress code asked for sizes but there is none for the size requested, tried a few others but still doesnt really match and decided to look around for others. ZH bought a cap, nice, but i still prefer u without cap, but no choice to cover yourself with it after your haircut. :) over to bugis street, found a pumps to my liking, unexpectedly the price is so reasonable and bought it. had dinner at a chinese restaurant, ordered zar jiang ramen, ginseng chicken soup ramen, xiao long tang bao, osmantha tea and ice lemon tea. i like the soup of the ginseng chicken. simply sweet and doesnt really have the strong taste of the ginseng. price is reasonable as the ramen is handmade and you can see the chef making it on the spot. is 8 plus after our dinner, had our photos developed into wallet size and get facial wash for ZH and over to suntec at 9 plus. when we reached suntec mostly all the shops are closed. went to carrefour to buy lock and mineral water. hurried and get the stuffs as it seems like closing too. wanted to get the tea we drank at the restaurant as it has the remedy to relieve anxiety and gastric problems but is closed when we got there. would like to get it and hope it will cure my gastric problems. trained back and ZH bought strawberry red tea bubble tea, taste unique and has bits of strawberries. accompany me home and home sweet home for LZH. thanks B for the lotion and photos.